I Gave Up

I gave up. Not on the World Race, so I hope that with such a blunt statement I don’t cause anyone to worry. 

There’s a small bit of me (and when I say “small” what I’m really trying to do is sound stronger than I am) that’s hesitant to share so publicly this specific area of my personal walk with God and for several reasons I think. The obvious reason is that doubt remains my arch nemesis. Something I’ve recently discovered is the why, which is the not-so-obvious. Since my early stages of life, I’ve gotten my hopes up only to be disappointed over and over again. The promises have ranged from a new toy to ‘I’m here for you, forever.’  I’m unable to pinpoint a time but somewhere down the road my heart has learned to be numb to the promises unkept and the expectations unfulfilled. My newest revelation about myself is this: I doubt for the reason that disappointment is undeniably my worst nightmare. 

So without having to steer through unnecessary corners and road bumps out of fear that the destination is nothing but an illusion, I wish to share with you what God has so graciously revealed to me. Two months ago while in Ethiopia, the Holy Spirit came upon me and I mean this quite literally (that’s an important fact). He showed me that in 3 months, He was going to heal my eyes! Just to clarify I am not blind, however, I have had strong prescription glasses since the 2nd grade. Anyway, the He brings me to a passage in Mark chapter 7 where Jesus lays his hands on a man and says, “Ephphatha,” which means “be opened” and immediately the man was healed! Perhaps the full story can be saved for another time. In short, my experience was awesome. However, even the word ‘awesome’ I’d say is a diluted description of my unexpected encounter with the part of the trinity whom I’ve so hungered to know more intimately.  

Well, it is now nearly 3 months later… I am in the country of Honduras in an exquisite little Spanish town called Valle de Angeles. Will the Lord heal me? If so, why? And if not, will my faith be shaken? …Am I ready for yet another disappointment in my life? This chain of thought has haunted me for the past two months while in Eastern Europe (Montenegro & Albania). My heart knows that my experience with the Holy Spirit is as real as my first sip of coffee every morning. However, Satan has tried every way possible to persuade my mind into thinking otherwise. I had such a pressing need for answers & a demanding attitude for another sign. God’s silence was deafening and it caused me to put Him at arm’s distance. Consequently in doing so, I felt a shift in the universe. Dramatic, yes, but true.

This is a piece of my journal entry during the first week of April in our debrief time in Albania. “Dear Jesus, I miss you. I don’t care anymore if I don’t hear a direct response to my questions! All I want is to sit at your presence again. I miss you. I want you to be the first person I think of when I wake, the last before I sleep, and the in-between when I dream at night. Why do you feel so distant? Please come… I am here. I need you. Will you come to meet me?”

We arrived at our home for the month in Albania, which consisted of mattresses on 2 level rooms. Simple. Out of eight mattresses, only one was tiny and being that I’m the shortest on the team it was assumed that it was for me. Right beside this “tiny little human” bed, as my friend Kegan would say, is this giant poster of baby Jesus laying in a manger.

I believe strongly that God has a sense of humor. He heard my plea and He literally became the first thing I saw in the morning & the last before I slept at night. In my accumulated hours of staring at this poster, I’ve learned that He was teaching me a lesson – how to live with that same ruthless trust of a child. It’s something I had lost, but now am able to hold grasp of again. Brennan Manning quotes, “We are all subject to forgetfulness of God’s faithfulness in the past, laziness to act on the divine promise, and postponing until tomorrow what Jesus is asking of us today: childlike abandonment in trust.”

Still the question lingers… will the Lord heal my eyes? A child would never question if his parents will feed him a quality homemade meal. How much more in my relationship with my Heavenly Father, the one who created me and knows every single part of me. 

I gave up… my uncertainties, my doubts and my fear of being disappointed. I now intentionally choose to give in to the promise the Lord has for me. And like a child, I’m oh so so excited to unwrap the big present that awaits me from my Papa!

I gave up. Not on the World Race, so I hope that with such a blunt statement I don’t cause anyone to worry. 

There’s a small bit of me (and when I say “small” what I’m really trying to do is sound stronger than I am) that’s hesitant to share so publicly this specific area of my personal walk with God and for several reasons I think. The obvious reason is that doubt remains my arch nemesis. Something I’ve recently discovered is the why, which is the not-so-obvious. Since my early stages of life, I’ve gotten my hopes up only to be disappointed over and over again. The promises have ranged from a new toy to ‘I’m here for you, forever.’  I’m unable to pinpoint a time but somewhere down the road my heart has learned to be numb to the promises unkept and the expectations unfulfilled. My newest revelation about myself is this: I doubt for the reason that disappointment is undeniably my worst nightmare. 

So without having to steer through unnecessary corners and road bumps out of fear that the destination is nothing but an illusion, I wish to share with you what God has so graciously revealed to me. Two months ago while in Ethiopia, the Holy Spirit came upon me and I mean this quite literally (that’s an important fact). He showed me that in 3 months, He was going to heal my eyes! Just to clarify I am not blind, however, I have had strong prescription glasses since the 2nd grade. Anyway, the He brings me to a passage in Mark chapter 7 where Jesus lays his hands on a man and says, “Ephphatha,” which means “be opened” and immediately the man was healed! Perhaps the full story can be saved for another time. In short, my experience was awesome. However, even the word ‘awesome’ I’d say is a diluted description of my unexpected encounter with the part of the trinity whom I’ve so hungered to know more intimately.  

Well, it is now nearly 3 months later… I am in the country of Honduras in an exquisite little Spanish town called Valle de Angeles. Will the Lord heal me? If so, why? And if not, will my faith be shaken? …Am I ready for yet another disappointment in my life? This chain of thought has haunted me for the past two months while in Eastern Europe (Montenegro & Albania). My heart knows that my experience with the Holy Spirit is as real as my first sip of coffee every morning. However, Satan has tried every way possible to persuade my mind into thinking otherwise. I had such a pressing need for answers & a demanding attitude for another sign. God’s silence was deafening and it caused me to put Him at arm’s distance. Consequently in doing so, I felt a shift in the universe. Dramatic, yes, but true.

This is a piece of my journal entry during the first week of April in our debrief time in Albania. “Dear Jesus, I miss you. I don’t care anymore if I don’t hear a direct response to my questions! All I want is to sit at your presence again. I miss you. I want you to be the first person I think of when I wake, the last before I sleep, and the in-between when I dream at night. Why do you feel so distant? Please come… I am here. I need you. Will you come to meet me?”

We arrived at our home for the month in Albania, which consisted of mattresses on 2 level rooms. Simple. Out of eight mattresses, only one was tiny and being that I’m the shortest on the team it was assumed that it was for me. Right beside this “tiny little human” bed, as my friend Kegan would say, is this giant poster of baby Jesus laying in a manger.

I believe strongly that God has a sense of humor. He heard my plea and He literally became the first thing I saw in the morning & the last before I slept at night. In my accumulated hours of staring at this poster, I’ve learned that He was teaching me a lesson – how to live with that same ruthless trust of a child. It’s something I had lost, but now am able to hold grasp of again. Brennan Manning quotes, “We are all subject to forgetfulness of God’s faithfulness in the past, laziness to act on the divine promise, and postponing until tomorrow what Jesus is asking of us today: childlike abandonment in trust.”

Still the question lingers… will the Lord heal my eyes? A child would never question if his parents will feed him a quality homemade meal. How much more in my relationship with my Heavenly Father, the one who created me and knows every single part of me. 

I gave up… my uncertainties, my doubts and my fear of being disappointed. I now intentionally choose to give in to the promise the Lord has for me. And like a child, I’m oh so so excited to unwrap the big present that awaits me from my Papa!