I never fully understood what it meant to be “called” to something or somewhere. Yes, I understand that as Christians we are all called to further the Kingdom and love our neighbors… But I’m talking about that calling that’s personal and specific to an individual. That calling people talk about when they know that it’s from God. It’s sort of like how a woman knows that she’s pregnant – she can see her belly growing, feel the baby moving, stretch marks are suddenly appearing… you get the point. This woman knows that she’s pregnant because it’s obvious! Hearing God’s voice, on the other hand, is not quite as obvious as it was when He spoke to Moses through a burning bush (though I wish it were).
Three years ago, I moved from home in Hilo to Honolulu (each city is on a different island). I made this decision for two distinct reasons. I wanted to transfer colleges since the University in Hilo had limited options. However, looking back I realize that I used that as an excuse for my real motive – to run away. I remember standing on stage Sunday after Sunday as the worship team’s guitarist, I taught children how to play the ukulele summer after summer, helped my parents host every church event… but for what?? My heart was lost. The vision God placed in my heart at 17 of becoming an international missionary was slowly fading. Passion had suddenly turned into duty. There were too many voices in my life that expected something of me that the pressure became unbearable. So as cliché as this might sound, I escaped home in hopes to find my heart again.
For a while now, it has been my specific prayer to know God’s voice for my life. I desired to distinguish His voice amongst others: the world’s, my parents, and my own. Since I’ve moved, I’ve had the opportunity to serve in 2-3 weeklong mission trips to Vietnam and Serbia. During these trips, God rekindled my heart for the nations. However, I did not expect that he would want me to go so soon.
This is how God called me to the World Race. In the summer of 2012, I began to see the reoccurrence of a number. When I’d often look at the time, for example, it would be 4:11, 9:11 or 11:11. I was never one to believe in superstitious activity and so I thought nothing of it. Fast forwarding to this past fall semester… I was faced with some unexpected challenges and it came to a point where I broke down in tears. I asked God, “Why are these things happening? Why aren’t you coming through for me?” I knew of course, that I was asking the wrong questions, but in frustration… I didn’t care. One morning as I was sitting in class with my laptop open, I couldn’t stop thinking about my problems. Analyzing my life was, at that moment, more important than listening to my professor. Then this random thought came to mind. I’m not sure what triggered this thought but I remembered a mission organization I first heard about in high school – the World Race. I checked to see the time (mainly because I was eager to get out of class) and the time was 11:11. The World Race still lingered in my head so I figured, why not visit their website? Then I saw it… at the top of the page it read “World Race 11n11,” which stood for 11 countries in 11 months. I can’t fully explain what I experienced after that… but I believe this was my first real encounter with the Holy Spirit. My heart raced and then I heard a small still voice telling me to leave everything and GO!
God definitely went through a great deal to get my attention and I refused to listen (at first) because the timing was inconvenient for me.. because I had other obligations to attend to.. and becuase I just wasn’t ready.. As I was sharing with a bff about my situation (her name’s AC), she joked that I probably had eleven excuses why I shouldn’t just do it. She was right and here are all the worries, doubts, and fears that held my thoughts captive. I said, “God…”
1. I’m still in college
2. I have loans to pay off
3. I have siblings I’m expected to help through school
4. I have parents, whom I’m afraid of disappointing
5. I’m a youth leader & in college ministry. Technically, aren’t I already serving?
6. I don’t have a job, therefore, I’m broke! I need to raise over $16 thou… what?! Impossible.
7. I don’t have what it takes
8. What if something horrible happens at home and I can’t be there?
9. What if something happens to me on the field?
10. What about my relationship? What will happen to us?
11. How can I know for certain that I am hearing Your voice?
Upon opening the Word, the following verses spoke and confirmed me: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?” Mark 8:34-36
I was putting limitations on God. I claim to serve a God who is greater than the universe and here I doubted that He was and is greater than me. Selfish, selfish me… God was teaching me to deny myself. I needed to understand that prior to “my” obligations as a student, “my” duties as a daughter, as a big sister, and whatever else I tend to identify myself with… I am first and foremost the hands and feet of Jesus.
God called me in the most unlikely circumstances to receive it. I took a great leap of faith as I applied for the Race and realized that He perfectly orchestrated every event, good and bad, so that in the end I knew that this was not at all my doing. On November 14 of 2013, I got accepted into the World Race. There was a moment of hesitancy but as I felt Him knocking on the door of my heart asking, “Will you trust me??” I said, “Yes, God. A million times YES!”
