I thought I couldn’t be used for the kingdom cus I was splenda… turns out I’m freakin honey.
Alright let’s start with this… In high school I was given this label “splenda.” first thought: aww sweet they called me splenda! like sugar! cute!! right? well actually the label represented quite the opposite. It represented sweetness yes! but it also represented fakeness. People used this name throughout my junior and senior year to describe me. The word spread like wildfire and people I didn’t even know, thought I was sweet yes, but that the sweetness was fake. hence,, splenda. (dang those bullies are clever) As I saw the word pop up on finstas here and there and overheard from friends of friends that this name was being used to label me, I began to let the name sink into my soul. I let it sink in a little deeper than I realized actually. Without ever bringing it to the Lord, I began to take this label on as truth. I would joke with my best friends about it, I would use it as a word to describe myself in sarcastic comments, heck I’d even call myself splenda to the bullies. But, truth is, I let the label go a little deeper than the jokes and sarcastic comments (dang it bullies… now you know), I actually began to truly view myself as fake. I took this label on as an identity. Every time I would make an effort to spread kindness, I’d question my sincerity. I thought that the so called “sweetness” I had, was actually some sort of fascade I put on… and it was never real, pure, or genuine. It was splenda. So rather than spreading bold kindness I leaned into passive, quiet, kindness… I went from making an obnoxious effort to spread God’s love by simply living my life, to nothing more than faintly smiling at strangers in the halls. I went from bold to quiet reallll quick. I wanted to cut out the fakeness from my heart. I wanted so desperately to be real! I knew people viewed me as splenda… but I didn’t realize I viewed myself as that too.
Ok ok ok so fast forward to world race training camp!! During a worship session I was sitting on the ground and I had a girl my age come sit down on the floor with me, very gently she leaned over and spoke just above the music saying that God gave her the image of honey… and he wanted her to tell me. Just as quickly as she came she left and that was that. cool. honey. no idea what the meant but hey. thanks God?
Several weeks later I was at launch!! Madie, my squad mentor, came up to me and told me that as she looked at me she saw this image of perfect honey… She told me that God said I’m like honey… God said that I AM honey. umm ok thanks God? you see me as honey..? kinda weird but ok. I get it thanks.
First week here in Guatemala! We were worshipping and this woman I have never ever met before came over to me, put her hand on my back and asked for my name, I told l her and found out that her name was Sabrina. She began to tell me that as she watched me worship she saw this image of (you guessed it) HONEY! She said she asked the Lord what it meant and he answered her with the words “She is Honey.”
Ok so I definitely got the point. God was telling me I was honey…. That was cool. but what the actual heck did it mean? I tried bringing it to the Lord but I didn’t give it much weight. I told him I needed a deeper explanation than “God wanted me to tell you that you’re honey”. Honestly (kinda weirded out) I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried not to overthink it. Actually I tired not to think of it at all.
Third week here in Guatemala… As a squad, we were doing this thing called activation. (activation is sick I’m sure this won’t be the last time you hear about it) It is basically this session where we “get activated” (we hear a really good teaching) then we go out and ask the Lord what he wants us to do about it! (It’s whack) This last Thursday we were being taught about hearing the voice of God! At the end of the teaching we were told to find someone on the squad that we aren’t super close to, and ask God what he wants them to hear. My sweet friend Val made eye contact with me and not a moment later we were on the floor praying for one another…. feeling very intimidated and honestly doubtful, I asked her what God told her about me. She looked at me and said “God says you’re sweet as honey.” I said OK GOD WHAT THE HECK!!!!! I hugged Val… told my squad some of what I was feeling… and that was all.
The next morning I was running and as I watched the sun begin to rise I asked God what he had for me that day… and, but of course, I heard him say “Lan, you’re sweet as honey.” I ran a lap saying “I am sweet as honey,” feeling like a brick wall being hit with the same phrase over and over again I asked God, “ok Lord I have no idea what this means…” and, in an instant, this phrase everyone had been telling me, held the weight of a thousand words. I heard the Lord say to me “You have never been splenda. You have always been honey.”
I felt all shame, embarrassment, and lies be lifted off of my shoulders. In an instant I felt the pride of the Lord wash over me. I felt my father take the lies of the world and, like a tidal wave, wipe them out for truth. I knew every time I walked in kindness he saw me as genuine. as pure. as real! as the rawest form of sweetness. “Lan… you’re sweet as HONEY.” I finished my two miles and ran to my teammate Maegan (who went to the same high school as me and knew some of my pain from the silly label splenda, and had also been walking with me through the “you’re honey” mess) I looked at her and out of breath I said “maegan! I’m not splenda! I’m honey. I’ve always been honey!” seeing the depths of my soul she hugged me and told me that God had already told her that. She just wanted him to tell me… She knew it’d mean more coming from him. GAHHH! THANKS GOD!
I didn’t even realize how much idenity I found in the silly label “splenda.” I took lies of this world as truth… how often do I do that? How often do I allow people to tell me who I am? I took this “truth” of splenda and began to implement it into my life before I ever brought it to the Lord to ask him what he thought. If I would have asked Jesus if he thought I was splenda he would have held my face in his hands and told me I’m honey a long time ago.
He sees me as pure. He sees me as genuine. He sees me as real. He sees me as the rawest form of sweetness. He says he wants my heart for his kingdom. He says he wants me… in my truest form.
The world may call you splenda but God calls you freakin honey.
