Dear 2019,
You were hard. You were full of “one step forward & 3 steps back.” You brought me the joy of senior year and the pain right along with it. At times it felt like you’d never end & at others it felt like you were going at the speed of light… You taught me the worth of working through hardship & seeking out mentorship. This year i’ve stood on the other end of promises. Now, I’m in Ethiopia… (lessons on top of lessons). I’m not walking out of this year the same person that i walked into it as- & praise God for that. 2019, you started out rough. I was scared, insecure, & so lonely. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know where I’d be, or what the year had to unravel. I didn’t know i’d have such a hard time watching Lex get married or that my mom would become my best friend. I didn’t know I’d waiver in loyalty. I didn’t know that my vision would become so blurred- I’d walk down paths I swore I’d never come near. I didn’t know that Id miss my dad’s hugs so much. I didn’t know I’d let selfishness come between friendships. I didn’t know that Austyn would look so cute on her first day of school, or that saying goodbye to Ryan & Avery would be so hard. I didn’t know that God was going to bring me all the way to Guatemala just to teach me that He loved me… I didn’t know that. Wow. Lord, thank you for knowing all my years. Thank you for walking with me hand in hand in the darkest moments of this year. & thank you for bringing me to the brightest. I close my eyes & look through the year & all I see is You. With every step away from you, you were running after me. Crashing down walls & lies. Holding me. Carrying me. Bringing me here. I’m so thankful for this year. Everything from pain to the most sincere joy… I am so thankful for 2019. Jesus. Yahweh… You are faithful. This year was hard. But you were in it. All of it. Thank you Lord. You are mighty. Fix my heart to seek your face. 2019 was a year that YOU walked me through. Thank you for holding me close even when I was full of shame, even whent I ran the other direction. I am new. 2020, I am new. I am a woman of so much joy. I am not consumed by lust or worldly desires. I am built on a firm foundation that will not be shaken. I am a daughter of a father who loves me. 2019, you can keep the pain. I am leaving shame here. I am leaving the idea that I am unworthy here. I am taking worth. I am taking hope. & I am taking faith with me. I am leaving the idea that I am easily consumed by emotion here. I am taking self-control & leaving control that is not mine here. I am a woman who leaves fear & anxiety at the feet of the Lord. I cast it on the One who has promised me to carry it… so I can live. Live for Him. Through Him. Because of Him. Like Him. So I can live for the kingdom of heaven. This year there will be more. Abundantly more. Leaning back into the arms of a beautiful father. Breathing deep & feeling free. 2019 you brought me to the feet of Jesus. 2020, I will rise & live for Him. Lord bring me step by step through this year. Lord, let me be aware. So aware I shake. So aware I speak. So aware I act. More of you Lord. Thank you for loving me so deeply. You are such a good Father. This year, every moment will bring you glory. This year, every morning will start at your feet. I will ask you each day how to bring kingdom. I will be obedient in action & in stillness. I am nothing if I am not yours. This year is nothing if it is not for you. Today, tomorrow, & forevermore. Bring me to my knees. In 2019, you broke chains of comparison, of sadness, of control. You broke chains that will never have a hold of me again. The pain left in 2019 means freedom in 2020. Going into this year knowing that the Lord loves me. What wonder. Thank you for the pressing in 2019. I am new. A year of abundantly more.
