There’s a reason I haven’t blogged in a while (that vacation blog was a quick insert). This is the real blog I’ve been writing for, well, almost a month…
There has been lots going on in my head and in my heart, and I wanted to wait to write so I could articulate from a healthier place. I’m not saying I’ve reached a comfortable place to want to share this, but as people we value authenticity, so here it goes – naked blogging.
I want to thank my pray-ers, thank-you so so much.
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God is living and active and talkative. He speaks to people in a variety of ways.
One way He speaks to me is through giving me a picture or scene in my head that He then provides meaning for…
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Our squad met together in Bangkok for team changes, which fell during New Years celebrations. I arrived on the terrace of our hostel for squad worship on New Years Day with swollen eyes and a swollen heart.
My last couple of weeks have been challenging. Not because of the ministry here in Thailand or the events of early December in Cambodia, but because of what was surfacing in myself.
I FELT SO RESTLESS EVERY. DAY. REEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
It was the first time on the Race I thought to myself “I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to quit this and travel instead.” Me, the person who committed to 11 months and never even thought that that could be questioned.
I don’t really know what happened, perhaps the restlessness stirred up the bad in me; the lack of truth, the insecurities, the temptations, the compromises. I take responsibility for the following: lack of spiritual nourishment, taking on others’ opinions as my own, and especially dividing myself between where my flesh wants to go back to and where my spirit hopes to go. All this made the perfect concoction for an internal quiet choas. I sincerely did not feel like myself, I felt out of control of my thoughts and feelings, I felt like there was something bigger going on that involved me.
So during squad worship on that terrace, I decided to go all in. It involved a lot of crying and nose blowing (ShmEXY!), but the rewards of humbling myself to be such a mess were meaningful and lasting. God gave me two pictures that night.
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One was of the ship in the opening scenes of The Little Mermaid. I saw the beautiful wooden ship, the dark storm, the high waves. I understood there was a fear in the atmosphere about possible shipwreck, but I couldn’t hear the storm. This scene from the movie was on mute.
I asked God why He was showing me this. He spoke to me about the storms of life, which would explain why I felt there was something bigger than myself going on. He spoke to me about the design of a ship and how they are designed and built to be able withstand storms. He told me it’s the same for me; He created and designed me to be able to withstand what happens in my life. He told me that even though He could, He may not prevent storms from happening. And He said (knowing that sounds really heighten an experience for me) that He would make it so that I will not be able to hear it. He told me: “You can trust how I made you, I’ve factored in the storms and have made you able to stay afloat. You can trust me to finish the work I have begun in you Alana (Philippians 1:6).”
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“Fight the good fight, keeping faith and good conscience, which some have rejected and suffered shipwreck in regard to their faith.” 1 Timothy 1:18b-19
Fight. Avoid shipwreck. Reach out of the needs of your spirit, not your flesh. Choose righteousness, choose courage.
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The second thing God showed me New Years…
I’ve hiked a few mountains (I love you Alberta!). There’s this part of every hike called the “false summit”. It’s what looks like the top, until you get up there and realize there’s still more distance to cover before the real summit. God used the images of all the false summits I’ve hiked to explain this:
At every false summit, there is a sense of accomplishment; all that distance covered, the switchbacks, the muscle aches, the time commitment, seeing how far you’ve walked, that you’ve hiked above the tree line. God told me that He validates the hike my life has been so far, there is recognizable progress. But then He added, “this isn’t the real summit though Alana…there’s more.”
Also at every false summit, I feel a strong desire to not make the ascent to the top. Why? Because I know about the terrain from the false summit to the true summit; it’s always exposed to the elements, it’s an empty place, a vast place, it’s a place of steeper incline, looser rocks, tighter passageways, and falling becomes more of a life-risk than an injury-risk. It’s a place that encompasses more than physical fitness, it’s a place of mental fitness, where the consequences of mistakes are more severe.
Back home, I have this sister who won’t let me stop when we reach false summits. I’ve entered into many final ascents with a bad attitude, withdrawn, fearful, insecure of my ability. My breathing changes. My senses seem to heighten and each bit of wind feels like it could toss me over the edges of the mountain (which makes the lack of sound in the ship scene even more meaningful to me), the sky seems too close and this brings discomfort being so up close to such incredible beauty.
But this time, I’m not back home on a physical mountain. I’m on a spiritual one so-to-speak, and it’s purely my choice to continue. And instead of physical fitness, it’s about spiritual fitness.
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Stay. Stay. Stay.
(I have a hard look on my face, my feet are planted, dug in.) I probably just have an issue with contentment – that’s a theme of my Y generation. I can (try (force)) to be content here, this would be good practice to learn thankfulness. (I catch myself looking up at the summit.) And if it’s fear that’s holding me back, it’s a healthy fear – summiting is dangerous! (But danger is not an excuse…) I’m almost out of water, my feet hurt, I’m getting cold just standing here in my sweaty clothes, I need to just make a decision. (I slouch, grow timid at my next thought…) Do I have what it takes? Am I able? Am I enough?
Go. Go. Go.
(Without looking up I think to myself…) Alana, you’ve never regretted a summit, so the danger isn’t reason enough for you. The cold, the thirst, the pain – none of that matters when in pursuit of a true summit. (It takes me a moment to look up at the summit, because I know this time I’m seeing it to commit to it.) I hear God say, “Yes, you have an issue with contentment, but this is not that kind of issue. I have made You to not be content here at false summits, because I’ve created you able and with the desire, the NEED, to ascend all the way!” Then God uses this metaphor: from the true summit I will see new mountains, new summits….new goals. From the true summit, civilization is minimized, I’m more focused, more alllliiiiiivvvvvveeeeeeeeeee….
AHHHHHHHHHH just go! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
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“There’s more.”
A bold statement.
“There’s more.”
A statement that summarizes the desires within me.
“There’s more.”
Two words that prove to me that God knows me.
“There’s more.”
A sentence of promise.
“There’s more.”
A bold statement requiring a bold response. And here lies the point of decision.
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THEREFORE COME OUT FROM THIER MIDST AND BE SEPARATE.
DO NOT TOUCH WHAT IS UNCLEAN AND I WILL WELCOME YOU. I WILL BE A
FATHER TO YOU, AND YOU SHALL BE MY DAUGHTER. 2 Corinthians 6:17
Take hold of instruction; do not let go. Guard her, for she is your life. Proverbs 4:13
When you walk, your steps will not be impeded.
And if you run, you will not stumble. Proverbs 4:12
Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which The Lord has promised to those who love Him. James 1:12
Therefore, putting aside all filthiest and ALL that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls. James 1:21
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The restlessness of this last month has stirred up the realization of my uncleanliness, my wickedness, all “the fleshly” goals and habits and mindsets.
So that sucked. Truly.
But I’m grateful for it, and for the realization that I don’t have enough of Gods truth in me. I began the Race wondering if there is more to life than “the 9-5”. Wondering, as I hiked up to this false summit, where God is meeting me in my sweat, my stench, my weariness, my fearfulness, my doubts, my disbelief, my insecurities, my sin, and offering me the promise of “more”.
This false summit has been a restless place, where I am tempted to stay put; to not repent, to not change, to settle, and to possibly suffer shipwreck…
This false summit has also offered me the best hope, because from here I can truly see the summit, I can understand that there is “more” than academics, than status, than success, than physical fitness, than image, than the idols I’ve created and worshipped and pursued.
The “more” is not man-made, don’t make that mistake.
The summit is Gods, and He is inviting us to make the ascent.
