I’ve
been in a car for going on 20 hours now and in all of the silence I’ve been met
by a lot of temptations…Mostly the kind that attack your thoughts…Temptation to doubt…to fear…to
worry…to sit in a pit of self pity and self
loathing… It was kind of expected though… I tend to think at about 1000 miles a minute at all times… So add silence to the whole, “I’m driving back to my past,
but I’m not the me who left this place two years ago” and you have the perfect
combination for revisiting failure.
I’ve
been struggling to get things done for this Race, largely due to lack of funds.
It feels like no matter what I do, nothing gives, and I am stuck…And of course satan is there reminding me of my past… How money has always been an issue… how perhaps if I had done a better job of saving money, or
didn’t give so freely that I would not be having this issue… How, because of my past and my struggle dealing with it, I
should take this as a sign that I am not meant to go on this trip… and on and on he continues to go. It truly has felt like a
sucker punch to my soul… But I keep trying to speak to my Father
over the taunts of this bully… and a few miles ago God reminded me of a
verse I had read while thinking about my small team (Ekklesia Epikos) and my
squad… a verse I felt Him speaking over all of us… so I pulled out my bible and began to re-read it…
“For
this reason I remind you to fan into
flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands,
for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
Therefore
do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share in suffering for
the gospel by the power of God who saved us
and called
us to a Holy
calling, not because of our works but because of His own purpose
and grace, which He gave us in Christ
Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the
appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished
death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, for which
I was appointed a preacher, and apostle, and teacher, which is why I suffer as
I do. But I am not ashamed for I know
Whom I have believed and I am convinced that He
is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me.”
-II
Timothy 1:6-12
I like that it
starts off with Paul saying let me remind you of some truth here… It’s cool because it is truth that leaves us without out
excuse, especially (I felt) for me after what God did in me at training camp… I was reminded to “fan into flame the gift of God”… a gift that when shut up inside me burns in my bones like a
fire that has been shut up. God used the next part to obliterate even the
possible formation of an excuse…” For God gave us a spirit not of fear but
of power and love and self control.” The Spirit that dwells in me… that Kingdom… that Holy Spirit is not some wimpy,
passive, doubting doormat. It is not a spirit that is brought down by self pity
and self loathing… it is not a spirit that runs helter-skelter
in 15 different directions… No, it is a Spirit of Power… a power that is direct from the Father… a power that is a double edged sword that breaks through a
body of lies and penetrates the heart of this present darkness… it is a power that stands upright on firm and solid ground… It is a Spirit of love… a love that removes any reasoning of self
pity and self loathing… it leaves room for none of that, but
rather moves us to overwhelming joy because that Spirit sings of the Father’s
love for us…of His love for all…It
is a Spirit of self control… it remains focused, staying the course,
keeping a sharp eye out for the enemy and their attempts to ensnare. It remains
steady, seeking all God has to offer… It watches out for opportunity to share,
to defend, to love…
It is a spirit that when revisiting past failures allows you
to only see God and His movement in your life…
More to
come in part 2 of Revisiting
Failures…
