The World Race as an organization has done a phenomenal job preparing us & walking through the struggles of the race with us.
***don’t forget my check for promoting you, guys (; ***
They are gentle but firm. They come along side when we are weak & go with us into the fears we have to face. They aren’t afraid to tell us the hard things & they challenge us to be better. They help us be brave & step up to the challenges that come our way loaded with confidence in our true Source of power. They’ve made us do hard things, but it’s to help us survive & it has honestly made us better. But there are just things they can’t prepare you for & already in month one I have experienced several of them. I have a list I could submit to you including how difficult it is to live in such close community with 6 other women & see all your own ugliness seep through. Painful.
But that’s not today.
Today is something I ignorantly never considered facing.
Today is about heartbreak away from home.
I know things happen while people are away, but I just never imagined I would miss anything other than the things I knew when coming on the race, like birthdays & coffee dates & hiking with my closest friends & that kind of stuff. Death never occurred to me.
This month death showed up twice — one attempt, one final moment.
The first came a couple weeks ago — a message from home that someone I love tried to kill himself & I felt sick. With grief. With guilt. With compassion. With frustration. I wanted to be home. I wanted to be there to support his family & listen to the hurt that this caused. I wanted to be there to tell him how much I want him here. But I couldn’t go. I couldn’t do anything. I’m here, half way across the world. I can do nothing.
The second came accompanied by physical pain in my chest. One Sunday we stayed home for church & streamed Alyssa’s church. It was good, but it made me miss my church family so much. So I asked if we could just watch the music from the week before at my church & everybody was down. Very early into the recording I brightened up — there were my people right in the front! I pointed out Mr Walt & Miss Roberta in their usual place. Every Sunday I am home, it is my mission to see them. They are such faithful, wonderful examples of godliness & so many things I hope I’ll be some day. Seeing Miss Roberts’s white hair began such a beautiful, healing time of worship for me. The music was so good — my girl Niki was singing & the songs were just exactly the truth that I needed poured into me. I even cried with hands lifted as we sang “it is well” & I knew God had forgiven & redeemed me from the struggles of that week. It was a great day.
Indonesia is 12 hours ahead of home, so I was sitting at school on Monday when I got word. Miss Roberta went to be with Jesus on Saturday, probably before I even watched the recording. Even now that there’s been time for the news to sink in, my eyes can’t seem to help but well up with tears. My precious Miss Roberta. I never imagined our last hug would be it. I never dreamed of coming home from the race & not be able to leap up to the front row & hug her. To not get to see her beautiful white hair & get a silly grin on my face. I often would sit in the seat in front of her & lean over for the hug — pretty awkward but Miss Roberta would just lean her head against mine, & it was always such a sweet sweet gesture for me. How can I go home — back to my church — & not have Miss Roberta?
Okay, now the tears are flowing again. World Race — you did not prepare me for this.
So how do you find hope in your sadness when you are so far from home? How do you get back into ministry & charge ahead when your heart feels so beat down?
Honest moment: I didn’t deal very well. The attempted suicide kept me quiet & somewhat short with my team at more difficult intervals during the day. The death of my most wonderful Miss Roberta shut me down for about half a day. I know there is hope in both situations. My friend is alive! God preserved him — there is joy in that. & Miss Roberta might have left a huge hole in my heart & our church, but she is with Jesus, free from any pain or tiredness or difficulties in her life. She is with her God, safe in His arms. So why couldn’t I handle it? I needed to deal.
Ya know what eased my burden? Love.
Love from Rachel, my squad leader who checked in with me when she sensed that I wasn’t myself & then she & Shelby when I only gave a minimal response but they were ready to extend love to me & to pray. When Miss Roberta died, it was Alyssa, my team leader, who saw the tears & wrapped her arms around me & let me cry. The others didn’t know everything but they were so kind to me despite my shortness. They loved me so well in the pain & I am so grateful for the community I have here…I am not alone. I was too weak to reach for Jesus in my sadness, but they gently led me to Him, & He is my strength.
So though they are phenomenal, it wasn’t just their love that got me through…it was the love of my God — my Dad who created both my friend & Miss Roberta & knew the plans He had for them all along. It was my God who comforted my aching soul by giving me His love…to share. We went into Bandung when my heart was heavy & got to be a part of a prayer walk. We literally walked through the streets & prayed for the people in the homes & then even got to meet some of them. Our language wasn’t compatible but our hearts were. I am sad I can’t be home to love & support my friend or to grieve with my church, but God has me here right now & He isn’t surprised by my pain. He has faithfully been kind & gentle with me & I know I’m not alone. His love, His peace, & His people have helped me heal when I had no idea how to process the hurt.
I wouldn’t have chosen this heartache — I like being somewhat prepared. But now as I go on, my hope is this: my God loves me dearly & has a plan for me — I am not alone. So thanks, World Race…you might not have been able to prepare me for exactly this, but that’s good — I now know my God has got me no matter where I am. Time to keep running forward.
