*This is an entry I wrote on paper late this summer but hadn’t yet shared because, well…it’s me. I’m usually late. But I thought I’d share it before I began doing live updates so you could see how far God has brought me. So here goes:
Fundraising — ugh! Here I am with this calling to a dream-come-true opportunity to serve around the world and they want — no — require! — me to fundraise. To actually ask people for money. Boo! The majority of my friends are young married couples with kids, just trying to survive on the meager income they already have — they have nothing to give! All I could think about was how obnoxious it would be to ask people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years if they wanted to support my trip. I felt like a huge jerk, like I’d be pressuring people into helping me get where I’m going. But this is a requirement they told me about all the way back in February…the months passed by and dread rapidly built. I just could’t! I couldn’t find the words! I couldn’s ask for money!
It is now August and I leave in January. My support is at less than 1%, and that’s just from the money I put in myself. My heart was stubborn, but I recalled a conversation I’d had in July with a near stranger — my friend Candice’s Aunt Kim. I was telling her how stoked I was for the race but how much I dreaded and was procrastinating the writing of my support letter. She looked me in the eye and asked if I really believed God was leading me there. Yeah — that’s why I’m excited! And did I believe He’d provide in getting me there? Yeah, of coarse! I’m confident! So why, then, wasn’t I acting like I believed it? ~screaming silence accompanied by a sick feeling — like a literal punch to the gut had occurred~ Oh. Yeah. Here I was Miss “I’ve been called!” and yet I wouldn’t even follow simple instructions laid out for me, as if God would just magically make it all better if I just squeezed my eyes shut hard enough for long enough. And then this new acquaintance calls me out on my pitiful faith, giving me real truth real fast. And ya know what? THAT is exactly what I needed. Thank you, Aunt Kim — you were right on. But. Though I momentarily felt the urgency of moving forward, I still procrastinated, and that allowed said truth to get covered in the lies we tell ourselves, and again dread seeped in.
Yesterday was a true Sunday of rest, and with that rest came enough time for truth to edge it’s way back into my head; I knew it was time. No more excuses, no more worry of how it’d be received — it was time to act on my alleged faith and write a rough draft support letter. And so I did. Huh. God gave me words. Why did that surprise me? But then who would I send the letters to? More doubts and excuses came to mind, but in an attempt to trust God despite my doubts, I started with a baby step — I posted about my trip on Facebook and simply asked who would want a letter, practically holding my breath as I waited to hear if anyone even cared. Then I got on my face before God and all that came out were the poorly sung words “You are my King…Jesus, You are my King. Amazing love, I know it’s true…and it’s my joy to honor You! In all I do, I honor You”. And then I just began to ask God that those words would be true in my life, and BING! A notification! And the BING!s didn’t stop there. Old friends, poor friends, a friend from high school I had no idea even still knew I still existed — they were there, asking for a letter. And now here I am, completely humbled before my great God. None of these may even be able to financially support me, but after that response, I am not at all worried about my 0.86% (yes, that is literally where I’m at!) fundraising status. These people cared to show up and respond and that ignited my faith anew. So thank you, friends, and I’m sorry God, for my lack of faith. I’ve made a lot of mistakes already, but You are so much bigger than that. So I’ll put aside the kicking & screaming for now & forge onward. God is my strength, & you, friends, are my encouragers. Thank you for going with me…God is so faithful & good. Here we go!
