Even as I struggled with it, I knew it was petty. But despite my knowledge, the discontent seemed to progress with each passing day. Even worse, I kept it to myself because I knew speaking it out loud would make me one of those ridiculous people, who fuss over ridiculous things. But instead the silence fostered fertile soil for unhealthy growth.
It was one of two things that I really struggled with last month. The first being… my frizzy, frazzled hair which was about as anarchic as a hormonal 14-year-old (that blog post here: I Feel Ugly). But aside from grappling – physically and emotionally – with my feral fro… this was something that presented a greater internal struggle for me.
Day after day I obsessed over my photography. I obsessed over all the lackluster pictures I seemed to be shooting, wanting desperately to creatively capture the richness of the sweet moments of life I had been witnessing before my eyes. Desiring the ability to create fresh, vibrant photographic images. Images poignant enough to leave viewers in awe. Never mind any praise I had received from others… I truly believed that as a photographer (and clearly just an amateur one), my skills are sub par. And I got caught up in the comparison trap, stacking my photos up against those taken by friends who I consider to be outrageously talented photographers. And every time I did this… I walked away frustrated and further convinced that I had no talent. Convinced that I wasted the last 9 months, pouring my heart into capturing and sharing this journey with people at home. All for nothing… because in my mind, the photos I had taken were nothing special.
But that’s the comparison game for ya. See, no matter what you compare – whether it be body types or careers or wealth or size (of anything)… or if you're like me, photographic talent… it usually spirals into something unhealthy and unproductive. And worse, at the end of the day, comparison is a slap in God’s face. After all, all things – ALL things – flow from God. And every time we compare and walk away dissatisfied (which is what usually happens when you compare), it’s like saying, “Yeah, God… that thing that you gave me… it’s okay… but I’d rather have the deluxe version instead. So, if you could make that happen, that would be great. Thanks, Pops. Peace, love and Jesus.”
Ironically, last month, I received an email from a colleague/friend, and in her message she expressed her appreciation of the photographs I've captured while on this journey. I replied (through the closet frustration I harbored regarding that very topic), “I've been richly blessed to have a good camera to capture it all with.” But where I meant to write "good camera", I instead accidentally wrote "god camera", and she quickly responded, “Note your Freudian slip… a "god camera" – seems like a great description!”
Often when you slap God in the face through the rejection of His blessings, He slaps back harder and hits ya with some good ol’ Truth.
Right in the middle of my invitation-only, guest-list-of-1, pity party, He showed me how clearly I had taken the gift He's given me for granted. And as a friend pointed out to me just last week, the gift isn’t about me. These photographs… they're not about me.
These photos are about the vibrant, beautiful rainbow palette He’s delicately sketched our world with.
They’re about His stunning people from all around the globe – each uniquely-designed
by His thoughful, careful hands.
They’re about the dazzling, natural beauty He’s sprinkled all throughout the Earth – for our pleasure.
Mysterious, magical playgrounds in every corner of the world.
They’re about the creative and striking architecture, unique to different cultures but all inspired by
God – the World’s first and most ingenius architect. The one, true visionary.
They’re about the sweet, delicious, rich moments of life and the great
love encounters that He’s given us the time and space to enjoy.
They’re about experiencing His powerful presence in the contrast of darkness and light.
They’re about noticing the hand of God even in the random tidbits of life we so often take for granted. Where natural… becomes supernatural. Where luscious, life-giving fruit grows. Where an everyday instrument makes marvelous music. Where nature is still and peaceful, just like His Spirit. Where every color has a unique flavor, and that flavor is delightful. Where people – even the youngest of them – walk on water. Where life – moment by moment – is extraordinary and captivating – and worth being captured… photographically.
These photos are about Him… because He’s vibrant, stunning, mysterious, rich, powerful, supernatural, marvelous, life giving, peaceful, delightful, delicious, extraordinary and captivating – just like the world He intentionally designed to be a pure reflection of Himself. Made in His image. Everything… made in His image. His glory made manifest in us and in the world around us.
These photos are about Him… and I am blessed to have an instrument to capture His precious, beautiful, wonderful world with. And all that matters when I pick up His camera is that I shoot for His glory, not mine. I shoot with a thankful, celebratory heart. I shoot with His lens, seeing the world through His beautiful, vibrant spectrum of Truth.
Over the last few weeks, this is the revelation that Papa's given me, and now when I pick up my "God camera", I find pure joy in using the instrument. I find pure joy in capturing His glorious image through all the beautiful people, places and elements of His world. I find pure joy in sharing them with you… His favorite people.
Dear Papa,
Thank you so much for all that you have gifted me with. Thank you for giving me a heart for photography, for giving me such wonderful opportunities to photographically capture your precious people and wonderful world. May I never again claim possession over that which you have given me, but instead – just like my camera – may I be used as an instrument to express and celebrate You, Your beautiful character and the world you hand-crafted to reflect it.
xo,
aj
*Top photo (of me with my camera) – shot by the oh-so-talented Brianna Danese. Thank you for such an awesome image, Bri! xo
