Letter by letter I punched my frustration into the keyboard… ending with a surprising string of f-bombs.
As they began to flow freely from my fingertips, I realized I had reached the point I had long been fighting hard to avoid. The point where how I felt could be relegated to six words, half being expletives.
Immediately, I shut the computer and quickly ran up the steps to the 4-story-church rooftop (the place we’re staying at in Ongole, India) – the only place I could go to be alone… with Him. I paced around for several minutes ranting inside my head…. the frequency of expletives and frustration both growing with each step. I wanted to yell it out from the rooftop… to express my anger to the world, but just one floor below me were 11 other world racers, half being my new team. So, I vented in silence. I knew He was listening anyway. Suddenly I felt an urge to kneel and lie face down. As my worn body lay limp on the concrete, a desperate plea rang in my head. Over and over again… a sappy petition for a supernatural love encounter. Over and over again demanding Him to show up. Pleas for His presence to wrap around me tightly like the comforting arms of a familiar lover. Quietly, desperately… I begged to feel Him…. to feel His peace that surpasses knowledge, to feel His love that no human can imitate, to feel His mighty hand holding my tender, weary heart.
It was then I realized that I was going to either be continually consumed by it… or I was going to have to fight tooth and nail to break free from it. But the truth is, right now, I have no fight left in me. Right now, I have nothing left in me… but frustration and exhaustion… and an ember of hope in place of the blazing fire of love and faith that often burns within me.
Two weeks ago, I arrived in Kathmandu, Nepal exhausted, looking to “break free” from the role of team leading. I just didn’t want to do it… again. I had no peace about it and even less of a desire. I ached for liberation. I ached to get rid of the responsibility and the worry I feel as a team leader. Constantly wondering how everyone is doing. Constantly wondering if they need something from me. Constantly feeling like I need to do more to help them grow spiritually. Constantly feeling alone in it. Burned out and complacent, a piece of me already surrendered to apathy with the expectation of handing the team leader role over to someone else. But that didn’t happen. I was asked to step up and team lead again, and instantly I felt the shackles of oppression clamp tight around my wrists. I’ve been fighting for freedom since then.
I’ve never enjoyed team leading. Never. It’s not the people I lead… because they’re all wonderful people, deserving of a great leader. They’re people who are worthy of love. They deserve to be pursued and fought for. And I just can’t deliver on that in this moment. And it frustrates me that I can’t seem to just choose to love well – even though I really want to.
Can you hear it? The sounds of the war waging within me? It’s exhausting… and all I know is that I wasn’t made for this. And as much as I tell myself over and over again that leading is a position of honor, it doesn’t help. It does nothing to comfort my soul or to inspire me to press into love.
But I was made for love – this I’m certain of. Not just love as we know it, but a supernatural love. I was made to pursue people – to pursue their hearts. But my own heart is beginning to harden… and that scares the hell out of me. So, what do I do?
Right now, I can’t tell you how long I’ll be team leading for. I can’t promise that tomorrow I’ll wake up and be fine. I can’t promise you that I’ll magically begin to love team leading… because I’m not God. I can only tell you that I desperately want to follow God’s will. I desperately want to be free and to love freely. But right now, I’m exhausted. Right now, I can only think about this moment I’m in… and about holding on to the hope of Papa's promises (and about avoiding the monkey that’s been running around our balcony). That’s about all this feeble mind can handle right now. Because I’m human… and 100% dependent on my amazing God.
A friend recently told me about how Moses told God (in Exodus 33:15) that he refused to move forward if God didn’t go with Him… and that’s where I’m at right now. I refuse to move forward, Papa… because the truth is, I can’t do this without You. And You already know that, but I’m telling you anyway. You know that I alone am not enough. I alone am nothing – and that’s a truth that I’m completely okay with. But Papa, you need to show up right now. You need to be here with me. You need to move forward with me, holding my hand and heart. Because what you’re asking of me is beyond my capabilities and desires.
So… friends, if I finish the Race. If I continue team leading after this month, I can only promise you this… it’s because of God and what He’s doing through me. Because I promise you that without a supernatural love encounter, without His love, without His peace and wisdom and grace, I cannot move forward. I cannot do anything. I cannot lead. I cannot love. Without Him, I cannot live – because to live is to love.
So, I wait… I wait for Him, holding tightly still to this ember of hope. I wait for Him to show up and fight for me. To fight for my life. One day at a time… I wait and hope, knowing His promises are true. His ways are good. And His timing is impeccable.
