It's not a very Jesus-loving thing to say… nor is it very lady-like.
But today as I struggled to joyfully serve – becoming overwhelmed by the endless slew of boxes of clothing that needed to be sorted and prepped for tomorrow's flea market, what came to mind was, "Embrace the suck, AJ… Embrace the suck!" It's a phrase my army friends taught me a couple years back, and ever since, it's stuck with me.
Though, deep down, I don't applaud the belligerent nature of the statement, I do value the sincerity and simplicity. While I wish I could say that I never ever truly think this way… I'm not Jesus… not even close. And though I long to be more like Him (John 3:30), the truth is, I'm flawed — deeply flawed.
Today I wrestled with trying hard to "choose" an attitude of joy… frustrated with myself because I couldn't seem to just conjure it up out of thin air… or in this case, dust-filled air. Frustrated because all I could seem to do was sit in my sense of aggitation and press forward. But quite honestly, I think it's okay to be frustrated at times. It's okay to feel something other than joy; after all, God gave us a whole range of emotions. And it's definitely okay to be authentic and honest – because He already knows our hearts. There's no fooling God with some silly, fake grin (which actually betrays the kind of joy found solely in Him). The truth is… some situations, some tasks – they just don't provoke joy. In fact, some tasks are tedious and boring or just downright difficult, and yet we're called to persevere (2 Peter 1:5-7). We're called to embrace them – the suck. After all, if all things were wonderful and easy, there'd be no need for perseverance, right?
And even more so, during times like these — when I'm frustrated and embracing the suck — I'm reminded that there's still so much work yet to be done in my selfish, prideful heart. Im reminded that a state of total independence is not what I'm called to… that I really, really need Jesus to help a sister out when I'm trying to serve and not feeling it — and that He longs to help us. Because the ONLY way I'm ever going to be able to experience joy in ALL circumstances… is by God changing the attitude of my depraved heart. Joy isn't necessarily something to be chosen; sometimes it's a gift to be given. And so I pray…
"Papa, today was a day of struggle for me, a day when I just didn't feel like serving. And though I pressed forward in it, my heart was not in glorifying You. Deep down I truly want to give You my all, but too often I put my own selfish desires and comfort first. Too often I want to quit when following You is no longer fun or exciting. Too often I want to bail when things get hard… or boring. Papa, please help me to walk in perseverence, obedience and faith – even in tough times. Help me to grow in humility. Give me a heart for serving, for doing all things as though I were doing them just for You. Papa, give me the gift of joy — penetrate my heart with it so much that it shines brightly from the inside out so that I may bring glory and honor to your precious, beautiful name… Amen."
