In my mind, I see her so clearly.
Little blonde hairs dancing in the summer breeze, freckles few enough to be counted, her innocent smile lighting up my world as small fingers wave at me from atop a tricycle. And I seem to hear her name – Grace – all the time… though she’s nothing more than a desire on my heart.
It's a truth I can't seem to escape – most people my age are married… with children. Multiple children. It's not that I think the grass is greener with a husband and a toddler, but I have strong hopes of someday finding out what the turf on the "other side" feels like between my toes.
As a Christian, though, I find so often my desires are at 90-degree odds with what God wants. It can be frustrating and confusing… sometimes heartbreaking… but as I walk along this crazy, awesome path God’s laid before me, I find that the further I go, the more our desires align, or at least I thought so. As exciting as the World Race sounds – traveling around the world for 11 months – it wasn’t an easy choice for me to make. Right as I was accepted to the Race, another awesome path presented itself. The kind of path that could have laid the foundation – the turf – for finally settling down. But in my heart, I felt a whisper, "What are you going to live for, My glory or yours?" Deep down I knew the World Race was the right choice. Yet… some days Gracie haunts me.
Every now and then a feeling of forfeit wells up in my heart – as if I’m choosing the Race over Grace. And even though the Race is only 11 months long, it's a year promising singletude. But I take it day by day – because the thought of abandoning Grace for the rest of my life breaks my heart. Sometimes I selfishly give into it. “Am I ever going to have a family of my own? Is it God’s desire for me to be single for the rest of my life?” I look around me, and I see few people this age who are single and sold out for Jesus and the things that He taught. It can be a lonely place to be in… which only makes the idea of "family" even more seductive.
But here’s the beautiful thing about grace – God's grace: I KNOW deep down – beyond any heartbreak – that God loves me more than I can comprehend, that even though I don't deserve it, He's given me life. His plans are beautiful and good, and His ways are better than my own. I know this because I’ve experienced it time and time again. But my heart will constantly battle the war between His truth and my desires – it’s human nature. And yes, while I'm nothing short of a hopeless romantic who'd be happy living in a shack with my soul mate… I've already been captivated by the greatest love of all – the love of Jesus.
His love is truly something so amazing – so worth sacrificing everything for – but you can't fully experience the sweetness and lightness of His love until you've completely surrendered to His will. I know that if God intends for me to have a family one day, my husband is going to be a legit, sold-out follower of Christ who can lovingly lead and put me in my place when need be – which is a role few could fill. But to be quite honest, I’ve been trying to barter with God: my time now abstaining from dating while on the Race for the man of my dreams to be sitting on my doorstep upon my return from this 11-month adventure. He’s been pretty silent about the matter, but a gal can hope… 😉
My desires for Grace, for a family – they’re not wrong or bad; they’re just too small compared to what God has planned for me right now. While there are moments when my heart breaks for Grace, it also breaks for the millions of children out there who go unloved and uncared for. And when I look to the 11 months that lie ahead of me – the undeserved gift that God's placed into my life – this is what I see: an amazing, life-changing opportunity to love – like a mother, sister, daughter – the precious men, women and children of this broken world. And that's the place where my desires align with God's desires – the place where heartache is replaced by joy… fear is replaced by love…. loneliness is replaced by family.
It may not be the kind of family I had in mind, but at the heart of family is love, and that's what the Race is all about… LOVE… sweet love.
