I am not entitled. I am not entitled to know the reason I am here doing seemingly nothing. I am not entitled to know where an art degree will take me. I am not entitled to know who I will spend the rest of my life with. I am not entitled to know why God works the way He does. But whether I like it or not, He does.
The verse in Isaiah 59 that says, “His ways are higher than our ways…His thoughts are higher than our thoughts” is frustrating. Its true, and it’s hard but it’s awesome at the same time. I hate it and absolutely love it because it means I’m not entitled to working the same way God does. And while wanting to control my life and direct my steps sounds awesome, I know I have to surrender that to Him. Why? Well, I’m not sure of that part yet. But He’ll show me. We’ll have a good laugh about how I got to where He was sending me – about the heart break, the part where I thought my life was falling apart, about the tears, about the frustrated prayers ending with an apology for my language. He’ll hold my hand and say, “See? Why’d you make me drag you here? You could have just walked in faith with Me. We could have danced the whole way here had you just trusted My lead.” I’ll feel like an enlightened idiot, and then I’ll do it all over again. I’ll make God drag me to the next point in my life, maybe dancing part of the way there, maybe not. The whole while He’ll be completing the good works He started in me long ago. He’ll be loving me in ways I may not even notice. He’ll remain faithful while I cry over the people who didn’t.
My time in Nicaragua has been spent sweating, sitting in my concrete box we call a house, and catching a taxi to the next coffee shop. I’ve wrestled with God continually – asking why I’m living the way I am. Unfortunately, I still couldn’t tell you why I’m here. I’m tired of sitting idly 17 hours a day. I’m tired of averaging four naps daily. I’m tired of not being allowed outside in fear of the neighborhood gang (or anyone really). But I guess this is the part where I blindly trust that what He has for me is better than anything I could come up with. At the end of the day I’m sure of this: you can cook anything on a stove top.
