“The struggle is real” is a phrase I’ve become so used to hearing on the race, usually as a joke or as a way to make us see the humor in the situations we often find ourselves in.
I want to talk (or rather blog) about a real struggle on the race. As a team and as a squad we’ve often talked about things we struggle with on the race, but seeing as I struggle with being vulnerable I’m often quiet during these conversations. I sit, taking in what others say, thinking of ways to help them overcome the struggles in their lives. But reflecting on my own struggles, processing through my feelings, and figuring out how to overcome them is not something I’m really good at.
I’ve decided that vulnerability is a good characteristic to have and therefore I decided to blog about one of my biggest struggles so far on the race:
Self image.
Growing up I never really struggled with thinking I was fat or ugly. I was a tom boy and wasn’t really concerned with how I looked. Even in my teenage years the way I viewed myself wasn’t a struggle. I knew I had things about my body I didn’t like but they weren’t really a huge concern in my life.
So when I heard at training camp that it’s REALLY common for girls to gain weight on the race I wasn’t really phased. I didn’t come on the race to look cute or to maintain a certain weight, plus body image wasn’t something I struggled with so I figured it wouldn’t affect me, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Month 3 I had a breakdown. Packing my stuff to leave Mozambique I started to get rid of the clothing that no longer fit me, the pile increasing rapidly. My heart and self esteem sinking with each article of clothing I added to the pile. That night I cried myself to sleep in my tent, I was disgusted with myself, with the way I looked and the way I felt. I thought getting out of Africa would help me because I knew that the weight gain was from the influx of carbs in my diet.
The Philippines (month 4) was going to be different, I was determined to make it different. I knew that Asia would provide us with a lot more options than Africa did. I had read blogs about how much more Americanized things were in Asia. The Philippines sure did provide us with more Americanized things then Mozambique, but it didn’t make me feel any better about myself. In fact, I had another breakdown when I finally saw myself in a full length mirror for the first time since month 1 (South Africa). I was determined to change the way I felt – which meant changing how I looked to something more suitable. I started losing weight from simply eating less carbs, having increasingly more options for fruits and vegetables and cooking for ourselves made it easy. I still wasn’t happy though.
Month 5 (Malaysia) brought even more availability with healthy foods and low carb options. Team changes had also happened and the girls on my team were motivated to work out. I didn’t go as frequently as they did, but I started running and doing circuits with them in order to make myself feel better. Fortunately, God showed up this month and helped me realized that this “body image issue” that I’d passed off as a normal part of female life was in fact a HUGE way that Satan was attacking me. I decided I needed to change my attitude about myself, I needed to seek the truths the Father speaks over me.
It hasn’t been an easy journey the last couple of weeks but I’ve taken some really practical steps to change my perspective. I’ve been studying what a biblical woman looks like, what characteristics she carries and what God says about women as a whole. I also made the decision not to work out with my team until I had the right motives. I needed to see myself as beautiful first, so I spent the last week and a half speaking truths over myself while the other girls did Insanity. I could see that I was finally starting to believe the truths and so today I decided it was time I joined the others.
I went to war against my mindset and am continually trying to embrace the beauty Christ sees in me – I know this isn’t a battle to be won overnight or over the course of a week but I’m seeing breakthrough. I’m starting to win a battle that many fight, so just in case you’re reading this and need a reminder…
You are beautiful! You were made in the image of the Creator of the universe. God made you perfect, every aspect of your body a reflection of His image
I’m $4629 away from being fully funded! My final deadline is March 1st. Please consider helping me stay on this journey. You can donate by clicking the “support me” tab on the left hand side of this page! Thanks for your support!!
