After feeling exceptionally alone for the past month due to being on the race alone, and single – which is not the way I had thought I would spend my race. I had allowed feeling of hurt, disappointment and shame to sink it. I’d allowed myself to believe that I was here because God wanted me to be here but I was still believing I was not enough. That I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough, that I wasn’t Christian enough for the man who’d broken my heart by ending our engagement. I had allowed myself to be ok knowing that this process wouldn’t be easy and that God would at some point show up in a miraculous way to heal my heart of the hurt I was feeling – instead of me actively pursuing God and giving up my pain to Him.
Well turns out that moment came sooner then I thought. Today at woman time we were talking about words that have been spoken over us or that we’ve spoken over ourselves. We wrote down lies we believed or believe but recognize as lies and then wrote down words of affirmation for the other women in the squad. It was beautifully painful – it was a reminder of the hurt I feel but also that God takes it all away. I really had to take time to process through the feeling of not being enough & prayed that God would make me whole, that he would allow me to believe the touching words my x-women had written about me.
Tonight at worship I had a squad mate pray for me – she prayed that the hurt I was feeling from my broken engagement would just fall away and that God would surround me with love. After she prayed for me I began to worship with abandon knowing that God was MORE then enough, believing that He WOULD heal me of the hurt and restore my heart & He did. He spoke words clearer then I’ve ever heard Him speak before. He whispered “You are mine. You are my bride & you are beautiful.” I am His bride. I had been holding onto never feeling like I’d be good enough to be someones bride, like I would never be worthy. I was too used, too broken and too ugly but God calls me beautiful, He calls me His bride. He told me I am His. I continued to praise and worship him and feeling His love surround me I was so happy with this moment. But it didn’t end there.
Rachel (our wonderful contact) got up and spoke to the whole group – she said she felt like God was saying “Will you be my bride?” and asked Patrick (one of my squad leaders) to sing it over us. He did. God stirring my heart with joy as I realized He is calling me to be His. I was filled with unspeakable joy and just worshipped with my whole heart knowing that I am enough because He says I am. I am His, I am His Bride and He calls me beautiful.
I still can’t shake this joy, and frankly I never want to. I found healing in a small chapel on the top of a mountain in Swaziland at a beautiful orphanage. El Shaddai will forever have a place in my heart and this day will be one I never forget. God is doing incredible things on X squad and here at El Shaddai orphanage. I know this next 9 months wont be easy and I know that it will take me actively pursuing God daily but I know that He is enough. All I need is Him.
If you are interested in helping me continue this journey please pray for month 3 in Mozambique & if you feel so lead please donate by clicking on the “Support Me” tab on the left hand side of this page. Without your help my journey will end December 1st so please prayfully consider helping me be the hands and feet of Jesus.
