O.k. I’m home. It’s awesome. It is also weird. I thought it would be more difficult to be back… it’s really not. Actually, the past 11 months seem more like a dream I had last night or something. It doesn’t feel like I have been away as long as I have. I haven’t freaked out in Walmart or had some sort of “I miss community” brake down… but it is only the start of day 3…
I was starting to panic at how easy this transition has been so far. I mean, didn’t I change at all? Did I really come back the exact same person as I left? How is this so easy, familiar, normal? I think I’m supposed to be feeling something… anything… other than what I am about all this?
Then something was different. After trying on all 27 pairs of my jeans, to only find that one pair fit, I realized that I think I love myself. MIRACLE!!
One big thing I have dealt with over this past year is self-hatred (secrets out now…). I constantly hear the lie that I am a monster and need to find ways to be invisible. It is impossible to be invisible…If you don’t know me, well, let me just tell you that I am probably the most conspicuous person ever. Not a day goes by where people don’t stare at me or make comments about my tattoos and scars… neither of which I am proud of… neither of which are ever going to go away.
But none the less, this desire to be invisible has dictated my life. Sitting in the back, never drawing attention to myself, not being able to speak in front of people, feeling bad that people have to look at me, etc… The big one is that I take up too much space. The more space I take up, well, obviously the less invisible I am. The only way I could ever measure this “space” was in my weight. It only made sense that the less I weighed the less space I would take up. The skinnier and smaller I could get = more invisible. This way of thinking has dominated my life. But over the past couple of days I have realized that God has been renewing my mind and changing my thinking… without me even really noticing it. MIRACLE!!
While trying on all my jeans, one by one, size by size, I realized that just a couple years ago I was walking around in a coveted size 4. I don’t remember being that small… I just remember hating myself the same, still thinking I was “fat”, still panicking because I still took up too much space… I tried on the 6’s and the 8’s… all the different styles… none fit. But for some reason it didn’t bother me. MIRACLE!!
I looked in the mirror as I modeled the one pair that fit and I looked at the heaping pile of jeans I should want to fit into… I looked at myself again and thought, “Wow… I just don’t think I look that fat. I mean I don’t think I’m really that bad looking. I feel pretty o.k. with myself… why am I not freaking out, stressing, over come with anxiety? How is this not the end of the world?” Then I remembered Matt. 22:37-39. God has really been teaching me a lot about Loving Him and Loving others. Who new He would be working on me, this whole time, to LOVE myself too. MIRACLE!!
God loves me. God thinks I’m beautiful. God is beautiful. It is logical to say that the more I look like Christ the more beautiful I am. I think that’s my new “diet”… my new “makeover” plan. I have decided that I want to look like Him more than anything else. I am going to trust Him in this area of my life. I think I can surrender it, hand it over now.
A few months ago, on the race, God asked me a question.
He asked me which I would choose:
1. I could have a powerful ministry, He would use me in crazy awesome ways, I would be living the Eph. 3:20 life, but I would be 300 lbs….
or…
2. I could look how ever I wanted but I would only be a bench warmer, totally sidelined, never able to accomplish anything for the Kingdom of God.
I never answered. I am going to be so honest right now. I couldn’t answer… because it broke my heart to know what I would choose. I would choose me. I would choose the lie. I would keep the tight grip on this idol. Till now! I’m done. I’m beautiful! I choose God and all the good plans He has for me! I choose to love my self at this size… in this space… I choose to seek God and let His beauty shine… I choose to let my life – all of it, all of ME – be for HIS glory… even my appearance. Today I decide to Love myself. MIRACLE!!!
