Since training camp starts next week… I decided it might be a good idea to “practice camping”. What I mean by this is to actually take out the gear and try to set it up. I have been putting off this activity for many reasons. One may be denial. I have really tried to avoid taking my tent out of it’s sack because, honestly, I have been afraid to see what it really looks like – what my home for the next 11 months really looks like. And, then there is the sleeping bag…. I have not wanted to get it out because I just knew I could never, ever get it to fit back into that little bag. But, next Saturday I will be at training camp in Georgia – along with 157 other people from the September and October squads – and I definitely don’t want to get there and have no idea what I am doing with all this stuff – so…. “practice camping”… In doing this, I also learned quite a lot about myself and how I have not really been processing or dealing with all the changes that are about to take place…
(Here is my home for the next 11 months. 6 nicely packed sacks that hold my bed… my house. Umm… really??!!)
lesson 1. My anxiety of not wanting to even get the gear out of the bag is a
lot like my fear of getting out of my comfort zone – stepping out on
faith.
lot like my fear of getting out of my comfort zone – stepping out on
faith.
(And I think I am right when I say that once it is all out of bags…. there is no way it is all getting stuffed back in again!)
lesson 2. The gear is no good to me if I just keep it all stuffed inside –
nice and neat and in a very controlled line. In the same way, I am no
use to God if I just keep Him stuffed inside of me – if I just settle
for a nice and neat and very controlled life. I have to take the gear
out – lay it all out – lay it all down – use the tools given. Deciding
to just take yourself and lay it all out there for all to witness – and
also to lay it all down at His feet… no longer your own – but
completely His – being willing to use the tools given… it is not as
easy at it sounds in a short sentence. It is a very terrifying thought.
nice and neat and in a very controlled line. In the same way, I am no
use to God if I just keep Him stuffed inside of me – if I just settle
for a nice and neat and very controlled life. I have to take the gear
out – lay it all out – lay it all down – use the tools given. Deciding
to just take yourself and lay it all out there for all to witness – and
also to lay it all down at His feet… no longer your own – but
completely His – being willing to use the tools given… it is not as
easy at it sounds in a short sentence. It is a very terrifying thought.
(Here is my space, my little place on earth that I can call mine – that I can call home. And yes, it is much smaller than it looks. New prayer request – that I get over the claustrophobia that I never knew I had until now!)
lesson 3. So, once all the supplies are all laid out – now what… what
if I don’t know how to set up my tent? What If I look stupid setting it
up? What if I am the slowest at getting everything settled? What if
my tent collapses, brakes or tears? What if it just doesn’t work? What
if it is the worst tent ever and three months into the race just gives
out and is no longer an acceptable shelter? Honestly, I have been
feeling the same way about this trip. What if I don’t know what to do?
What if I can’t get past my selfishness and insecurities? What if I am
the slowest to catch on? What if I collapse, brake down, or just
completely tear apart? What if this is not my calling – not my gift –
what if I just don’t do this job well? What if I am the worst
missionary ever?
if I don’t know how to set up my tent? What If I look stupid setting it
up? What if I am the slowest at getting everything settled? What if
my tent collapses, brakes or tears? What if it just doesn’t work? What
if it is the worst tent ever and three months into the race just gives
out and is no longer an acceptable shelter? Honestly, I have been
feeling the same way about this trip. What if I don’t know what to do?
What if I can’t get past my selfishness and insecurities? What if I am
the slowest to catch on? What if I collapse, brake down, or just
completely tear apart? What if this is not my calling – not my gift –
what if I just don’t do this job well? What if I am the worst
missionary ever?
(HOME SWEET HOME)
lesson 4. The tent is set up, my anxieties overcome – but what if I just don’t like it? What if I can’t sleep in it and wish I had gotten a different tent or a better air mattress… maybe I should have gotten a sleeping bag that allowed my feet to stick out – what if I made the wrong decision? What if three months into the race I just come to despise and detest my tent? So, training camp is next week and launch just weeks away… what if I made the wrong decision? What if I should have just stayed still in my cozy 9-5 job, and found a husband and a house and settled down with a couple of kids and a dog and two car payments…. what if I made the wrong decision? And, at some point it is going to be time to pack up. Getting all that back into those bags is going to be impossible! I will never be able to fit them back in! In much the same way, my fears are not just about leaving but returning. What If I never fit back in?
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God allowed me to go through all of this – He has for weeks. He always allows me to obsess about something for as long as I want to – but the moment I cry out and give it up and hand it over – He is right there – faithful, loving, patient, and wise. And then I can hear His words in my mind and feel a peace in my heart:
Matthew 28:19-20 (NIV)
19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Acts 20:24 (NIV)
24However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.
2 Corinthians 5:13-14 (NLT)
13 If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God. And if we are in our right minds, it is for your benefit. 14 Either way, Christ’s love controls us.[a] Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.[b
John 17:18 (Amplified Bible)
18Just as You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world.
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Now – to pack up…. And, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Actually, I got what was originally 6 bags stuffed down to 4! I got it to fit – and to fit better!
That is what God is going to do. He is going to make me fit – with Him. He is going to make me better. I can no longer fit into the world, think like the world thinks, do things the world’s way…. because it never works! Only His ways work… only obedience to His words, commands – only that works. I can not do this apart from Him. I have to surrender, trust, obey, and really – just get out of the way and let Him do His thing – loving. I just have to allow Him to love the world through me… whatever that looks like, feels like… wherever that takes me… whatever that does to me…
When I find myself stressing and doubting it always comes back to my worldly perspective. But when I keep my eyes on Him – on heaven – then I do begin to see victory, glory, promise, and love.
Please continue to keep all of the September and October racers in your prayers. I have a feeling that I am not the only one on “mission trip overload”… 🙂 And please pray that if I do have to eat bugs at camp that they are chocolate covered (yummmm!)…. Seriously though, thank you all so much for your countless prayers and unending support. I can not do any of this with out you! I praise Him and thank Him for everyone of you everyday!!
