I’m not sure what happened. But in seven days my joy – my excitement, my passion – have all turned to anxiety, timidity, self-doubt… I have been reading the blogs written by racers, currently on the field, and I find myself brought to tears… My heart cries out for this experience, my soul longs for it, I hear it calling me… But my tears fall in sadness – not in thankfulness or expectancy – they come with fear…
I want to experience everything God has for me. I want to become all that He made me to be – accomplish all His plans for my life – but… I read of people teaching, preaching, praying, healing, casting out demons… I read of people going out, all over the world, and doing exactly what God told all of us to do – doing what I know God made me to do – and yet I am full of fear!
“I can’t do this…. I can’t pray out loud! I can’t share my faith, I wouldn’t know the right words! I can’t heal anyone! Who do I think I am to cast out demons?! I have too much to learn to ever think I could teach anyone anything! Who would want to hear me preach… what would I say??!!”
(“I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are – I in them and you in me, all being perfected into one. Then the world will know that you sent me and will understand that you love them as much as you love me.”
John 17:22-23 NLT)
But today it stops! Praise be to God that, over all my loud groans and complaints and excuses, I can still hear His whisper – “that’s the point – you can’t, but I can…” (see Matt 19:26) I can hear Him singing over me – as if a lullaby – …take this gift of a peaceful mind and peaceful heart; I don’t want you to be troubled or afraid. (see John 14:27) I can feel the encouragement of His truth, that it is by His Spirit I am sent – a Spirit of power and love and sound mind / self-dicipline. I am not sent in timidity! I am not sent in fear! There is no shame here! (see 2 Tim 1:7-8)
(Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of highest privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. Romans 5:2 NLT )
(youth group prayer meeting / taken in Mexico, Oct. 2009)
I will not let my own weakness, my own limitations, take away from His strength – His glory! I don’t care if I am nothing, because I know He is everything! All I have to do is be willing…. willing to allow Him to use me… It is a battle of surrender, every moment – a constant reminder that it is alright I feel so inadequate, so small, to serve such a mighty and awesome God… I just have to remember that Jesus love me this I know, for the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong….
