Well, I have been home for 127 days (4 months and 5 days). In that time I have managed to start a new job and get engaged! Yep, I’m getting married in April!
It feels like so much has changed in such a short amount of time… but, as I ponder my overwhelming anxiety – I have realized that it is not that so much has changed – it is the fact that it is all getting back to “normal” that scares me. The fact that getting back to “normal” has been so easy, not only terrifies me, but just plain makes me sad.
When I think about the world race… and that this time last year I was in Cambodia ministering to young boys overcoming addictions, or just 5 months ago I was in Romania loving on disabled orphans, or that the day I walk down the isle – the year before I was in India building a church… when I think about that life it feels so long ago… And this is where the sad part comes in. The sad part is that I differentiate the “then” and the “now” – life then and life now… normal then vs. normal now… my relationship with God then and my relationship with God now… my view on the world then and my view on the world now… ministry then and ministry now… God then and God now…
In Romania God told me to be consistent. I looked up the word today to see the actual definition… consistent – unchanging in achievement or effect over a period of time. This is my problem. I have not been consistent. I have not been unchanging in my achievement or effect over a period of time.
John 14:12 has been a verse that has been wrecking me over and over again. It is a verse that continually brakes my heart. “The truth is anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works because I am going to be with the Father.”
I have not been consistent. I have not been doing “the same works”.
There should not be a clear separation between “then” and “now“. God is a God of consistency. Hebrews 13:8 says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. His nature to heal, deliver, forgive, and save never changes. His love never changes. His heart and will and desire for us to love Him and others (Matt. 22:37-39) never changes. I am the inconsistent one.
I am no where near any place in my spiritual walk to even begin to worry about what greater works might mean… I just want to be the same. I want to be like Jesus. I want to do the same works. And it shouldn’t matter if I am in Africa working in an orphanage or in America working in a bank… it shouldn’t matter if I’m single or married… my love for God and for others should be the same. My service to God and others should be the same. My ministry and desire for the lost to be saved should be the same. My desire to see people passionate about the reality of God at work in their life should be the same. My relationship with God should be the same. My obedience to ‘do the Word’ should be the same.
If I was striving to be like Jesus… to do the same works as Jesus… then there should be no difference between “then” and “now“. There should be no difference between Africa and America. There should be no difference between Sunday morning and Thursday afternoon. There should be no difference between the mission field and the Wal-mart check out line. There should be no worries about where to go or what to do next – missing all the opportunities of today wishing for tomorrow.
Jesus says in John 14:6 “I am the way…” If I strive to be the same as Jesus then I will always be going the right way… I will always be right where He wants me… If I strive to do the same as Jesus then I won’t be able to help but be consistent.
It feels like so much has changed in such a short amount of time… but,
as I ponder my overwhelming anxiety – I have realized that it is not
that so much has changed – it is the fact that it is all getting back
to “normal” that scares me. The fact that getting back to “normal” has
been so easy, not only terrifies me, but just plain makes me sad…. maybe I need a different basis of comparison as ‘normal’ is concerned.
I just want to be love like He IS love – everywhere I am.
I want to love Him with everything I am and love others. I want His love to be what compels me to do those “same works” – every moment of everyday no matter where I am.
I just want to be the same!!
