Our last few days in Morocco we headed towards the mountains for separate men and women’s time; This was right after losing my nephew and papa. Knowing that I was exactly where I needed to be, and that I wasn’t supposed to come home, I knew that God has something big in store for me that weekend. I felt led to fast and asked God to purify my heart and mind from the defensive thoughts I would have towards men, not to mention the jealousy and comparison that came with it. What I discovered was that I had so much un-forgiveness towards myself, that I didn’t even realize.
After spewing my guts out to God about the rejection & jealousy I have been facing, and being set free from it. The Holy Spirit said through Brittany, a girl on my squad, “You beat yourself up all the time, trying to be good enough and trying not to make mistakes.” You think “maybe if I would have loved differently, given more, done this or that different, if I wouldn’t have done those things or thought that way that doesn’t reflect Gods character. You are way too hard on yourself, and you don’t have to be.”
… SPOT ON! GOD, YOU KNOW ME.
“You can have the key to my heart God; only you can open the doors of my heart that you want to be opened and for who you want them to be opened for. My whole heart is yours God; only you can open the door to the part of my heart that is for the man you have chosen for me to marry. I don’t want any control of any part of my heart.”
What pursuits do I need to surrender? My Future- the thoughts & fear of what it may or may not look like.
What pursuits do I need to take on? Becoming complete & whole in Him. Not fearing lack, or the future instead being redefined by Him so I can be who I am called to be for Him.
What am I going to do to pursue this? The Holy Spirit said “Don’t pursue your own plans, be open to me” and “Let me pursue your heart & show you mine”
How do I see God in this moment? He is clearing the way for me. FIGHTER and PROTECTOR of my heart with His love
The next activity we did was to ask God “How do you see me?”
Instead of a light fluffy love note from God He Immediately took me to the past, when I was 6 or 7 years old. He showed me the flowered wallpaper in my bedroom on one side and my dad on the floor on the other side. The significance of this wallpaper was that I hated it; I would go to my room when I was mad, rip it more and more, then put it back so I wouldn’t get in trouble. I guess this was my way of letting off steam when my parents were fighting and when I was struggling with the reality of my parent’s divorce. In this time, my dad’s rights were ripped away from Him and my worth was ripped away from me. This is when IT happened. This was when I lost my worth and started seeking it, because I wasn’t finding it in my dad. God said “Have compassion for your dad”. My dad and I were hurting at the same time, we both lost.
How could my father show me my worth if he didn’t even know His own?
Truth is, my worth was never supposed to be found in my dad [or any man] but in my dependence in God. Truth is, there was nothing wrong with that flowered wallpaper it was actually very pretty; but like the wallpaper I hated myself. I thought that something was wrong with me. I didn’t feel pretty, good enough, or worthy to be loved.
The lie from my past was “My worth was ripped away from me” but how could my worth be ripped away from me if only GOD is the creator of my worth and only He can measure it??? The TRUTH IS…. if God created me to be worthy, then my worth can never be taken away. God also showed me His heart for my father, and it definitely brought me to tears.
God is fighting for us. To reveal truth, expose the lies. Bring us into Freedom, release us from slavery. Heal our wounds, make us whole. HE FIGHTS, HE PROTECTS.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ALLOW GOD IN TO THE BROKEN PLACES.
God not only pursued my heart that weekend and walked me through healing, He also showed me his heart for those that I have felt rejected by; I saw them purely and felt overwhelmed with love and compassion, the kind that God has for them. This is what I was seeking in my heart from God, and HE did it in the most beautiful way.
If you are still reading this…You have been made to walk in Freedom too and You are worthy to be loved! If you don’t feel worthy, are striving for perfection, approval, affirmation, acceptance, you name it…. Go straight to God, ask Him to show you why you are working so hard to be loved. His love is not a work oriented task, it’s a gift by faith and trust.
…This doesn’t mean that I have figured it all out and that I don’t still struggle with thoughts of unworthiness, comparison and perfection; God is still very much pursuing my heart, redefining and refining me. But what I do know is God is actively fighting for my heart to experience His love and to protect me. He is doing the same for you, just look for it.
“He rescues them [you] from death, and keeps them [you] alive in times of famine. We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. Let your unfailing Love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone.” Psalm 33:19-22
