In three months’ time, since leaving for the race; my dog Toto passed away in France, I lost someone who I considered my best friend, my baby nephew and papaw passed away within 24 hours apart from each other just this last week. Four, in three months; not to mention two guys from our squad went home this month. I left home broken and I am still feel like I’m walking through the valley of death and all the grieving that comes with it. Strangely, each month on the race gets better and better; I find new freedom in God and my relationship with Him is becoming stronger and more dependent on Him than ever before.
Even knowing God and His love for me; I put all of my heart into one person’s hands, allowing it to define who I was and how I viewed my myself as a woman. I lost someone who I considered my best friend as a result of this. Throughout my life I have struggled with being let down by men. I have continually seen men’s actions not line up with their words. As women, we long to be pursued, wooed and romanced. Because of our longing to be loved; our worth and value can easily become attached to whether a man loves us or not.
I’ll be honest, I don’t trust men. I don’t have a lot of faith in their commitment. I don’t care how much they love Jesus, they can still leave some pretty big scars. Is that harsh? Yeah, maybe but God and I are working through it. What I have learned though is that I trust and give my heart away too easily, I pour my heart out in to the people that I love with everything I have. For 6 years, I ignored all the signs and fought with God for a desire that He was clearly not going to fulfill because He had something different in mind for me. I lost myself along the way and the fear of being disappointed & losing was so strong that I couldn’t escape from the bondage that I was living in. The one thing I questioned and have for a long time was am I worthy to be loved? Over and Over, I have felt rejected. I have felt like people take advantage, and never follow through to love me the same way that I have them. What’s wrong with me God? I have cried to God, many times. I know you love me God, but, why don’t they?
As I sat in worship praying “I just want to feel your presence God’, I began to feel this warm tingling sensation on my left side like Gods big arms were touching mine. I saw Him right beside me. I put my hand out for Him to hold it and tilted my head on his shoulder like a small child, just wanting to be close to Him. I cried. “Papa, I’m afraid of the world, afraid to go back out there and love. Fear of being hurt, rejected, fear of losing people I love. You are my safe place, let me stay here in your presence, beside you. The world is scary daddy” He looks down at me and says “Because the world is filled with hurting broken people”. The commitment I made with God, to love Him and people, to put them before myself came immediately into my mind. I sighed. “But this is so hard and it hurts”, now I’m facing His throne, my arms wrap around His leg like a child not wanting to let go. “I just want to be here with you where its safe” He then picks me up, puts me on His lap and Holds me in His arms.
God has been taking me on a journey of “dying”. He said I have to “die to everything I know so that He can wipe the slate clean and give me something new”. As part of that process He is pursuing my heart and lighting a match to all the lies that have brought fear to my life; that have caused me to seek approval and my worth in other places other than Him.
Check back in for Part 2 of “Unfiltered” for how He is doing just that.
