“But then, I will win her back once again.
I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there.
I will return to her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of Hope.
She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt.
When that day comes, says the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master.’
O Israel, I will wipe the many names of Baal from your lips, and you will never mention them again…
I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.
I will be faithful to you and make you mine,
and you will finally know me as the LORD.”
Hosea 2: 14-17, 19-20
This is a story of a girl. A girl who has loved, lost, and survived rejection. A broken heart doesn’t even begin to describe the deep wounds from betrayal, lies, secrets, and pain that this young woman has walked through in her life. Despite it all, all the love she has poured out though never being returned in the same measure, and even after the most difficult loss of her life, marriage is still a desire of her heart. She watches as time goes by, seasons change, friends move on, people get married, while she sees no open door right up front of her. She waits on God to fulfill the very promise that she heard him whisper sweetly to her as a little girl; when the fear of the unknown crept into her heart through her parent’s divorce. Believing and hoping still, that one day she will be walking down the aisle with her father and looking at the incredible guy that God wanted her to wait for.
This is a story about me.
I am 27 years old, and I am single. I actually never thought I would be writing a blog about singleness, Lord knows how many times we hear, read or see posts/videos/preachings about being single and we just want to throw up…am I right? We hear people who are married talk about waiting for that right person, and once you “let it go” that’s when you will find someone. That we need to be SOOOOO in love with Jesus and then once we are and don’t desire marriage anymore… then BOOM he or she will be there, like God is punishing us by making us wait. I want to bring a different perspective though because I don’t believe that to be the case.
First, I want to share with you that I understand what it feels like to go through being “rejected” over and over again. I am probably the most IN love with love person that you will ever meet. Despite all the people who have used and abused me for their own selfish reasons, taking from me without any intention on commitment or loving me the way that Jesus calls us to. I am one of those people that when I love, I am ALL in…I hold nothing back, in for the long hall, committed, honest about my feelings and will go to the ends of the earth to love and serve those around me. In relationships with men, this has lead to very difficult and heartbreaking situations. I trust so easily and love deeply, that I can be easily manipulated and strung along without even realizing it because I see the best in people. Naive to a fault, I guess.
I can’t say that I am currently a big fan of men, in fact, I am so used to rejection now that my newest fear has been allowing my heart to even feel love for another man again. The thought of it is scary. If there is even remotely a possibility, walls are thrown up immediately and I accept defeat before there is even an option of anything happening where I could potentially be hurt again. God is working on that in my heart, bringing healing and reminding me to be open. I am trusting that He will protect and guard my heart as I do.
So hear these words as I say this…
You are worth loving and worth being pursued.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Don’t take rejection personally, because YOU are not being rejected.
God is rejecting that relationship because He has something different in mind.
The most valuable lesson I learned as I suffered greatly from my last heartbreak, is to NEVER EVER EVER put any man before God. I unintentionally and undoubtedly put this guy before God. He became my idol, I worshipped the ground he walked on, and I thought that there was nothing better, my love and passion for him consumed me. I lost every bit of myself in this process, I let him define me and I found my identity in him. My biggest mistake was not that I loved him at all, it was that I put him first and looked to him to fill spaces in my heart that only God is able to fill. When the relationship or lack thereof ended, my entire world was crushed. I had never in my life felt so defeated, betrayed and crushed by someone who I trusted with every fiber of my being.
Honestly, I am so thankful that He broke my heart…regardless of the still healing I have to walk through as I uncover even more layers of pain in that situation and the anger that is rattled by it. I am much more confident in my relationship with God and in myself. I am confident in my identity, I am bold and speak with authority and the wisdom that God gives without fear of man and rejection that might come with it. I have found that my ideas, dreams, gifts and the calling on my life are to be admired and free to move as God desires without being held back by anyone. All because I was willing to allow Jesus and the work of the Holy Spirit to touch every wound in my heart and nurture me back to good health.
Sometimes people aren’t healed, and forgiveness doesn’t take place because people are not willing to allow Jesus to go to those places in their heart that are broken. It is so much better when we do, only then can we truly live.
I strongly want to encourage you that any relationship with the opposite sex that you want to move forward in, to first really pray about it and invite close friends to pray with you. If you do move forward, set clear boundaries and have the people around you hold you accountable. Relationships can become so messy when you do not heed the Holy Spirits leading, and if there is no honesty and accountability with your closest friends.It can ruin your relationships because of what you allow to go on and the damage that is done is something that is not easily repaired and may not ever be. You could lose the very people, you thought would be apart of your life forever. That hurts worse than the break up itself.
Now back to being single…I have learned and am learning that singleness actually can be a beautiful gift if you shift your mindset and allow it to be a season of fulfillment. I just spent the last year traveling around the world and experiencing culture after culture, amazing food, adventures, and beautiful people. I wish it weren’t a year of going through yuck, because it could have been even more amazing. It is true that you can’t run away from your problems, and I am glad that I made the time to walk through the yuck with the Lord so He can heal me. Point is… I am finally back in the states, ready to go on the next adventure set before me. It has been an incredibly difficult transition but I am now looking back at these past three months and realize something about this season that I am in. I am doing things that I want to do and pursuing dreams of mine that 2 years ago I wouldn’t have because my focus was on what I thought I wanted and NOT on what God had in store for me.
Being single…I am able to explore the world around me, I can create new habits in my life and prepare for the time that does come when I do have a family. The things I want to do and accomplish now will be much harder to do later when my commitment is my husband and children first. I don’t want to look back and think…Man, I wish I would have taken that trip to Europe, learned how to play the guitar, learned how to create a healthy lifestyle, create discipline in my life, wish I would have _________. I get to use this time to fall more in love with Jesus and grow in His word in my own way and on my own time. I get to use this time of singleness to go on adventures, learn new things, and prepare now for things I want to see happen in my future. This season is a gift, It is Gods way of fulfilling the desires of your heart and preparing for the next stages of your life.
In October 2016, I heard the holy spirit say “When was the last time you thought about your dreams, your desires and the things that make you happy”?To which I responded, I don’t know. “I want you to be excited about your future” and at this time, I was more fearful than excited. So I thought, Colorado…I had always dreamt of going out west and I decided to make that dream a reality a month later by taking two of my closest friends with me on a birthday trip. We ended up experiencing little love gifts along the way; like free donuts, my favorite chocolate on our spa day, a prophetic word that changed everything for my friend, breakfast with one of our favorite authors, and so many cool moments straight from the heart of the father. Not only did that word ring true for that short adventure, but it literally changed the entire course for the rest of my life, for the better.
God places desires in our hearts, and though marriage is at the top of the list for most of us and isn’t really the most fun desire to wait for…I have learned that focusing on what God puts right in front of you in the present is where you will experience the most of Him and you will find joy in the little things he gives along the way.
What you don’t know, is just as much as you desire to be loved and pursued every day…You already are being. God is literally pursuing you every single day, wanting to show you His heart for you and the love that is so overwhelmingly beautiful that if you had one taste it would change your whole day and even your whole life.
So instead of looking at what you don’t have in front of you right now in this very moment…start looking at what you do, look at the things that you can do and GO for it.
Pursue your dreams, live passionately, go on adventures, explore the world and look for Jesus in every moment of it.
The “wait” is worth it…Are you going to make the most of it?
