Our first day in Georgia, and I already felt a shift in my attitude and in my heart. I was watching Heidi Baker preach with Kiana and I felt the Holy Spirit come over me. My entire body was burning hot and tears were streaming down my face from what I felt in my spirit. Even now it brings tears to my eyes. In 2009 when I was a part of Holy Fire ministries, I remember God speaking to me about full-time ministry and immediately I remember laughing, thinking that there is no way that God is calling me to do that. Six months later, I found this passion and desire in my heart to preach and teach, whatever else God called me to do. I was hungry for it. I would spend hours late at night, studying the word and wanting to change the world for Jesus. I wanted everyone to come to know Christ. It was a passion burning within me to reach the lost, for everyone to experience the same love of God that I had. I was so Fired up for God, and I knew that I was called to full-time ministry. I didn’t know how or when or what it looked like, my parents thought I was crazy but I didn’t care. I knew God would provide and He would take care of me. Then I got comfortable, I got complacent. That once firedupforGod on twitter, became lukewarm and lost. I doubted my gifts, and doubted whether or not ministry was even what I was called to in the first place. I don’t deserve to be here, I am not good enough to do this; are the words that would be on repeat in my head almost daily. My dreams to do ministry slowly faded in the background after a year of feeling like I was going no where. Then God called me on the race, and suddenly I saw this little spark of hope. A small light that was in the distance but still attainable, because Jesus always shines even in the darkest moments of our lives. We just have to choose to follow it.
“He wants to resurrect your broken dreams. Dreams that you aborted, that maybe took too long. He wants to breathe life in your dead dreams. He is restoring promises, have courage. You just need to step out” Heidi shared. In this exact moment, I had a vision of me holding Jesus’ hand and I was stepping out of the boat onto the water. How cool is it that I was literally just at the Sea of Galilee only a few days ago?!? The exact place where Jesus called out to Peter to step out of the boat and trust him. Right after the vision, Heidi said “You need to step out of the boat”. Tears streamed down my face as the Holy Spirit was resurrecting my broken dreams. I was looking at the future from a human perspective, underestimating what God could really do with me. My thoughts were, what kind of 9-5 job will I be doing when I get back home from the race. Which made me feel afraid to even want to go home. I felt sad in my heart for doubting such a BIG God, who has time and time again proved to be faithful.
In this moment, I felt God calling me to step out and believe in my dreams again of full-time ministry. No matter the cost, how long it takes, or even understanding what it looks like. I repented and told God that I am going to start stepping out, and believing in what HE placed inside of me.
The same night, I had someone reach out to me that I met just this month asking me to contact them after the race is over about missions opportunities. Not to say that this organization is where God is calling me next, but to me it was confirmation about what I felt in my heart and God saying “See, I got you. Trust me”.
Who are we to question what God can do with us? Even when we make a mess of things, get complacent, and lose ourselves in the process. Look at all the “leaders” in the Bible, they were in no way perfect and yet God still used them. We are all under construction, growing into the men and women that God has called us to be.
At the end of the day though, God just wants your heart. He loves us so much!!
Don’t stop pursuing Him. He is our strength, in all our weakness. Stay connected to Him, and He will guide your way through the mountains and the valleys. He is with you every step of the way!
Love, Love, Love
-A
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8
“My grace is all you need, for my power works best in weakness” -2 Corinthians 12:9
