November was really tough.
Tragedy after tragedy, I told myself a hundred times that I wouldn’t let the enemy manifest his plans in my life. I decided in my mind that I’d simply take each tragedy as a word of knowledge about the enemy’s plans for my life, and as an opportunity to be even more expectant of God demonstrating His love. The moment I heard about the Borderline shooting, my heart rejected the truth of the situation, and focused itself solely on God’s redemptive plan.
God revealed to me today that since I got free a year and a half ago, I’ve lived in an “everything is fine” posture. I’ve believed that, above all else, tragedy is an opportunity for God to take revenge on the enemy and eventually release kingdom on earth. Praise him for that truth. But it turns out that I’m actually really hurt. I actually need to experience emotions and get healed. Not just reject the sometimes painful truth that’s before me.
Thailand greeted me with a broken toe, lice, ping pong ball-sized knots in my neck, pink eye, and a persistent sore throat. I spent a good 40 hours in the same chair over the course of a week as my sweet friends picked lice out of my hair. Day one of seven, I received news that my most recent hometown was evacuated and would soon be scorched by Woolsey fire, which I was able to stay overly attentive to as I sat in that chair for the following six days. I watched that town burn from a distance, and it’s never hurt so bad to be apart from my community.
It was brought to my attention not only by a friend, but also in my spirit, that I haven’t stepped out into vulnerability in my writings. I’ve written to you in the past as if I had it all figured out, when in reality I’m simply sharing things as God reveals them to me moment by moment. And often in the midst of receiving healing in my own life. I want you to know that as I write to you, I’m continually asking God to integrate my words into my spontaneous, unfiltered nature. I’m sorry to anyone I’ve made feel like I’ve got it all figured out.
On That Note
A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that I’m finally walking in the potential that has been prayed and prophesied over me for years. Just this week, I’m realizing that before anyone prayed for my identity, the enemy prophesied my identity. I walked in deep insecurity, operated in silencing inferiority, and was crippled by seasons of depression for 13 years of life.
But it’s in the Father’s good character to give me a double portion of the opposite of what the enemy used to harvest destruction in my life.I was silenced by inferiority, so our Heavenly Dad gave me a gift of teaching. Why? Because it really is always on his agenda to take revenge on the enemy.
“I will bestow upon them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and the garment of praise instead of a disheartened spirit.”
Isaiah 61
But as I’m learning how to walk in what God has for me, the devil relentlessly tells me that I’m prideful, self seeking, and don’t deliver significant words. I’m learning to accept the ounce of truth in every lie (or the reality within each tragedy), then thank God for what he has to say about the situation. I can always grow in humility, but I praise God that he designed me to – and trusts me to – deliver significant words to his kids.
Green Door
These are the things that I’ve been wrestling through this month. Toward the end of the month – I can’t lie – I felt disheartened. I was reading the Word and praying to our heavenly Dad, but felt like I was receiving next to nothing.
For ministry last month, we spent two days of the week doing what we call “ask the Lord”. We spend an hour in the morning in prayer, then come together as a team to share what God has to say about our day. Two weeks ago, I was asking the Lord what to look for as we walked the streets that day, but kept falling asleep in prayer. As you know, falling asleep in prayer is frustrating. I felt distant, empty, and unable to hear from Holy Spirit. But as I dozed off, I got the words “green door.” But in light of feeling unspoken to lately, I wrote it off as my own voice. When we eventually came together to share what God had to say, and my teammate Macy started us off. “I saw a green door.” I bounce out of my bed and almost start crying.
We never found a green door that day (though we still have our eyes peeled), but I know God gave both us a green door as a token of his love. I think it was more so for me than it was for Macy. God knew I felt disheartened, and wanted to remind me that he sees me, hears me, and does speak to me. Thanks God. I love you too.
