Swaziland is not for the faint of heart. If you’re not actively seeking the Lord’s perspective, it’s likely you’ll come and go feeling like an item on display. I say that partly because I’ve been proposed to four times today. I’ve also been grabbed at and sexually harassed day in and day out since I arrived two weeks ago. At first, I walked down the street with a furrowed brow, wondering what type of drugs these men were on, but today I decided to flip the narrative. Upon today’s first proposal, I looked the man in his eyes and said with a huge, giggly smile on my face, “You can’t do that! That’s just weird!” He didn’t understand what I was talking about. I have white skin and a thin waist, so he thought why the heck not? and just went for it.
I’ve been sexually harassed most days since I was 14, likely because my legs were just as long as they are now, but back in the day I didn’t know how much of them was proper to cover. Then again, it’s becoming more and more clear to me that that’s not the issue considering it still happens even when I’m dressed like a true missionary. I’m used to the whistles and honks and hisses and crude words.
Two years ago, I was at the Chevron in Malibu when the man at the next pump looked me up and down a time or five and said, “Have sex with me.” Panicked, I responded, “I have a boyfriend.” I didn’t actually have a boyfriend, of course. I just wasn’t prepared. He told me it didn’t matter that I had the boyfriend that I didn’t actually have, and that he wouldn’t tell my fake boyfriend if I had sex with him, as if that’s what I was concerned about. So I told him to “never, ever talk to another woman like that again,” then hopped in my car and drove away. I was angry but not over the top angry. I didn’t expect his words, but I’d gotten used to men treating me like that, so I blew it off.
Yesterday, my two friends and I went into town. One friend got stuck between two middle aged Swazi men on the bus ride who, crammed in one small row, both had hands on her thighs. They let loose belly laughs the whole way there as they bounced jokes back and forth about how beautiful she was, and how they wanted to marry her. I never realized how unacceptable sexual harassment was until it happened to my best friend instead of me.
So today I tried something different. I realized I’d never tried to love these men. Jesus said to love my enemies, and while they’re not my enemies, they’re also not my friends. Paul said that if we wanted, we could overcome evil by doing good to people.
It turns out that they genuinely do not understand why proposing to strangers doesn’t work. When man number one proposed today, I told him it was weird for him to ask, and that he’d get married much quicker if he waited a couple months before popping the question. With a huge smile and a curious heart, I asked him what he was looking for in a wife. He wanted a strong woman and I got to let him in on the reality that strong women don’t give themselves to men who treat them like he treated me. Strong women are pursued by strong men. I made him promise me that he’d quit asking strangers to marry him, and then when he asked me where I lived, I told him that that was also weird and he needed to quit asking that too.
We became friends. I didn’t hug him but I shook his hand and told him I’d find him next Monday. Discernment is important. Being cautious is imperative. But I guess some men don’t know much better and maybe I could help them know. Swazis often grow up fatherless, meaning they lack both solid role models and decent pick up lines.
I got asked if I take bribes by an entirely different man today but it’s okay because I got to tell him about the beauty of connection. Yeah, it made me laugh uncomfortably and want to walk away, but maybe God’s idea for marriage didn’t make sense to him before asking. I hope he finds connection with a strong woman. Not soon, but once he gets it. I hope I find connection too. And I hope I can keep growing in love so that I have enough to give away for years to come.
