Tomorrow morning, I’m getting on an airplane and flying to Peru where I’ll start an eleven month journey to eleven countries across three continents. A lot of people have asked how I’m feeling in the face of that.
I’m craving a reuben, for starters. I don’t even eat them that often, but suddenly I’m worried that if I don’t eat one now, I’ll keep craving one until I’m back in Western civilization. That’s the panicky side to this. Periodically over the last three days I keep getting hit with these waves of panic. Am I ready? Have I done everything I need to before we leave? Did I hug my brother long enough? Did I say all the right things and pack all the right things and is all my banking in order? Did I stop to savor all the things I’ll miss? And of course I panic about the biggest question too: What have I gotten myself into? Those are the waves, yes.
But this is the sea. Far greater than all those little moments of anxiety is the overwhelming joy and peace I have felt since the moment I sat down to fill out my application for the World Race. God is good, have I said that yet? He is so good. He has given me this challenge, this adventure, this dream. He put the desire for this in my heart and he is giving me his power to achieve it. So how do I really feel? I feel new and cared for. I feel like I belong here. I feel empowered and confident. I feel loved and treasured. I feel so grateful for each and every one of you who are reading this, who are following along, who have contributed the funds to make this possible, and who have helped me become the woman I am today.
I realize the two sides of me, the panicky and the confident, may sound contradictory, but I think that’s okay. This is a big deal, and big things come with broad ranges of emotion. I keep thinking of these words, from the moment Mary Magdalene and the other women were told by the angel that Jesus had risen from the dead. The biggest news in history, and it was entrusted first to these women. That’s a big deal! And they were tasked with spreading that news. “So they departed quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, and ran to tell his disciples” (Matthew 28:8, emphasis mine). I love that it’s two thousand years later, and here I am, another woman chosen by God, tasked with spreading the same exact news, and I feel exactly the same way. I feel fear, yes, but also great joy.
I am astonished by God’s goodness to me: a normally anxiety ridden, depression battling, easily overwhelmed daughter of God. Because in this season he has given me the most incredible gift of deep and steady confidence. Confidence that this is his plan, that I am equipped, and that incredible things are coming.
