I have been suffering from
chronic back pain for over 3 months now. Not ideal when you are BACKpacking
around the world.
I have had more prayers
headed my way than I can count. I have had countless hands laid on my back to
have the Holy Spirit correct my bones and remove the pain.
But as I’m typing this I have
a sharp pain driving into my back between my shoulder blades. I try twisting in
hopes of a pop that will fix everything. It doesn’t.
So, what the heck?
Does this mean God doesn’t
love me?
Does this mean I deserve this
pain because of something I did?
What if I told you that my back pain still remains as
a way to glorify God?
During our final night of
month 8 debrief, my squad worshipped together. This is my favorite thing to do
when our whole squad is together (with dodgeball as a close second). As praises
went up, the room was filled with a holy atmosphere. What a beautiful glimpse
of what heaven will look like. People didn’t care what others thought as they
shouted the song, danced, and played drums on trashcans.
My squadmate, Jake, pulled me
over to sit with him. He told me that he was supposed to pray for my back. I
layed down and had a few people place their hands on my back. I have no doubts
that these people fully believed God would heal my back. I continued talking to
Him and asking that only His will be done.
I still felt pain.
I asked if anyone felt like I
should do something more because I knew there was something else. The thing I didn’t say was that I actually
knew what I should do next…
At training camp when my back
pain was only every so often, my squad coach, Chris, told me that my back would
be healed through me worshipping on my guitar. Also, not only would I be healed through
playing, but others would be healed as well. At that time, I didn’t play
guitar, but I had just bought one a few days before to take with me on the
Race.
Throughout the past eight
months, I have learned to play a bit. I played almost every day in month three,
but after that it was rare. I knew in that moment in that room with my whole
squad that I was supposed to get up and walk to Jacob (who had been playing for
our squad for over an hour), ask to borrow his guitar and play the song I knew
in front of my squad.
I was pissed. I didn’t want
to, but knew I had to! I hadn’t picked up a guitar for more than ten minutes in
over a month. As I sat down, I forgot everything about the song that I knew,
but I wasn’t alone. My teammate, Laura, was already standing behind me to
remind me the chords and strum pattern to How He Loves.
My hands were shaky along
with my voice. I couldn’t remember the words and I asked my squad to help me
out. I wouldn’t consider it the best rendition of the song, but it was one of
the most beautiful moments for me.
My squad and I sang this song
to our Creator about the love He has for us.
I was walking in obedience.
It was a little painful, but I could feel God’s presence all around me. I
wasn’t embarrassed by the errors I made. I was simply thankful that God had
brought me to a place where I could worship Him and nothing else mattered!
The next day, one-by-one as
people saw me, they asked about my back. Sadly, a miracle hadn’t been done in
the worship service or during the night as I slept, but I have some wonderful
news for you that I was able to share with my squad!
God’s purpose in us is to
bring glory to Him, whether that looks like removing pain and sickness or
allowing it to remain. It is up to Him. God didn’t have to heal my back in that
moment with my squad because he was
still glorified in that moment! We didn’t need a miracle right then and there
for us to look to him and say ‘You are so good, God!’ We did it anyways.
I can sing praises to God although my back still
hurts because I know that He is good. He doesn’t have to heal me in order for
me to know that. This isn’t to say that I have stopped praying for healing or
asking for prayers. This is only to say
that my purpose in life is to glorify my Creator. It might look like pain,
it might look like healing, but if you look deeper, it reveals the identity of
our God as being all-sufficient.
Three different times I
begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need.
My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my
weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. – 2 Corinthians 12:8-9
