This was it. The moment I have been waiting for. At dinner, I was receiving my first constructive feedback. In a non-prideful way, I had been waiting since training camp to receive some sort of constructive feedback from my team. Not only was I waiting for it, but I had been praying for this exact moment for a solid two months now.
The World Race has offered racers a beautiful gift… feedback. Every day my team of seven meets up to debrief our day. We give each other either positive or constructive feedback to help each other know that our actions haven’t gone unnoticed or to recognize the places we have room for growth. Once someone has received feedback, the only response that they can give is “thank you.” This ensures that the person giving feedback feels heard and it provides a safe place to share.
Since training camp, I had done my best to prepare myself and realize that whatever the person was telling me for constructive feedback was out of love. Dinner hit and the mood at meals had been off for our team for several days. As the finance person for our team I had been responsible for ensuring everyone was fed within budget at each meal. We had succeeded every meal, but some meals people with allergies would leave still hungry. Between meals while others and myself could go buy snacks and sweets to hold us over, some teammates were left in a place where they had no option but to wait until the unknown time that dinner would hit.
I had done a poor job of managing the time between meals and communicating with my team when we would eat. I also had some weak moments of not speaking to my teammates through love and respecting them with attention that they deserved from me when figuring out plans. I was called out on these as we were being served our next dinner. I could feel myself start to shut down, but this wasn’t a shutting down of listening to what they were saying. I heard everything they had said and knew they were exactly right. I was shutting down with how I was deciding to receive it. During my time as the finance person for our team I had carried the weight of people’s emotions. Some teammates might have been working through their own issues, but if I saw that their mood shifted for the worse during meals I would blame myself.
As I received the constructive feedback, I heard and understood what my teammate was presenting me with. As hard as it is to hear what you’ve done wrong, I had complete confidence that my teammate would show grace following the explanation of how I had hurt her. I knew all of this, but I began to hear an internal condemnation. It isn’t that this self-ridicule hadn’t taken place before, but it was new for me to be aware of the lies I was telling myself. I could feel my appetite leaving as I heard myself saying “You don’t deserve this meal. Listen to how you have disappointed this person. You have failed at your role on this team. This person needs to see that you are punishing yourself.” I was almost at the point of disgust with myself. There was no way I would allow myself to eat because of how I had failed.
Then I realized how I could begin to fix this. After the feedback was given and the conversation had shifted to something else, I whispered to Kari Anna. “I’m punishing myself by not eating.” It was a weird thing to admit.
I started talking through it with Laura. She assured me that these were lies. Just because I had messed up there was absolutely no reason that I should punish myself. I could receive this feedback in a healthy way by forgiving myself and recognizing how I could be better. As we talked at the end of the table I could feel the tears coming on. Now I was stuck. I could see what I was doing wrong and I could see what the right thing was (to stop penalizing myself and to eat the necessary food to nourish my body), but I couldn’t move from either of these. Laura assured me, as I took a bite of my food, I would break off the lies that I should carry the weight of others emotions and struggles. I had the realization that I do this when I was at training camp.
Laura said that as I took a bite that I would experience freedom from the lies that I’ve believed about needed to carry the weight of others. As crazy as it sounds, I had to be encouraged to eat my green beans and rice. It was so weird that I could be so repulsed by eating a meal that I didn’t feel like I deserved. After I took a bite I couldn’t stop smiling. So much joy was brought to me from letting go of the self-destructive behavior and the lies that I have believed.
I had no idea that I had these deep-rooted issues. I am so thankful that I have a community that I feel so safe with and know that I won’t be judged by if I choose to speak out what battles I am facing. Thankfully God shows me even more grace than these girls that I love so much. He chooses to forgive me before I forgive myself.
