11/29/10

Sitting in San Salvador for our final night here. Our bus leaves at 2am and we are heading to Granada, Nicaragua for our first squad debrief. A squad debrief means that all of the teams in the squad are going to get together for about 5 days along with our squad leaders and our “squad parents” Pappy and Mama C. We will be having three more debriefs at the end of months five, eight, and eleven. I am unsure as to what exactly a debrief entails but I was told that it will likely be similar to our launch in Antigua where we can have a time of fun with our squad, a time to talk to our squad leaders and squad parents to process how the first two months have been going and how things are going on our teams. I guess occasionally teams have been changed throughout the Race and I would imagine that squad debriefs are likely a time when this occurs.

I have been praying a lot throughout this month that God would teach me something new and that He would help me grow into the person He wants me to be. I have also been praying that more and more I would be like Jesus Christ. This is a great prayer and I am going to continue to pray for this, however, I would say that I got a little obsessed with striving for growth. I wanted each day to noticably grow as an individual and because of that I really wanted my team to constantly be giving me feedback on how to modify and improve my behavior, attitudes, words, and ministry. I didn’t realize that I was doing this, but in my quest to get feedback from others I bacame hyper-observant of their behavior, constantly seeking to find feedback to give them to help them grow as individuals. I even shared one night that I was in such a quest for truth (in this sense, I guess I was equating truth with opportunities for growth) that I didn’t even care how I presented it, because even if it created a negative reaction in someone else, that negative reaction could at least provide some insight into more areas of growth.

Yikes. Even just typing this I feel like I was a jerk. I started out with good intentions and an honest desire to improve myself, but it turned me into something the else. Thankfully when I stated that I wasn’t concerned about how I said things, I had a teammate provide great feedback (which ended up being an area of growth for me) and state that if I gave feedback, regardless of whether it was true or not, without love then it is done in vain. I think I got caught in the trap that is oh so familiar to me where my honest desire to help others turns into me trying fix or change others. Thankfully, again, someone else gave me the feedback that if I point out an area of growth to someone else but there is anger behind that desire to share it, then the comment is more about what I want someone to change and might not even be something they need to change.

I was very frustrated for several days thinking that I was the only one who honestly wanted to change and grow…I don’t believe this is true, but it doesn’t matter if it is. God provided me a friend and confidant through our translator, Carlos. I believe that one of his many wonderful talents and gifts is the ability to understand people and understand their interactions. He was very encouraging to me and was willing to point out areas of growth that I needed to hear. He was an ear to listen and a voice that helped me to feel normal and not like such an outsider. It was also such a blessing because he could relate to many of the things I shared and was able to empathize with my current struggles but gently point me back to Christ.

It’s funny, because after how difficult it was to leave Guatemala, I told myself that I was going to try to get to know people here but that I wasn’t going to let it get on a deep level because I thought it would be too hard to do this 11 more times at the end of each month. God had other plans and I’m thankful He did.

So the other night I had to pace back and forth in the street for about an hour talking to the Lord to manage the stress that had built up this month. I don’t know how to do feedback. I thought I did. I am trying. But I felt that it was different and that I was vulnerable and that it wasn’t always receptive and it sucked so I was trying to figure out a balance. I felt like I have been trying so hard, in regards to feedback and creating and maintaining relationships here and I was trying to figure out why I thought that I was the only one. God reminded me to love our neighbors as ourselves. “Yeah, yeah,” I said to God, “Heard that one before.” Then He clearly reminded me that LOVE IS A VERB. Love is not a warm, fuzzy feeling that I have to have for all my neighbors. Love is a verb; I am called to act in love to each and every person and sometimes that is shown in different ways (sometimes the most loving thing a parent does for their child is discipline them) but the motive is love. That was convicting.

 The next day, after I decided to intentionally love each and every one of my teammates, I was able to have a conversation with one of them. This person acknowledged that they were aware that I felt like it was difficult for me to be a part of the group and apologized for not being more intentional to be inclusive. I was given a chance to share my side of things. I ended up vocalizing that I felt that I was trying harder than the rest of the group in regards to ministry and growth, but once that was vocalized I saw through it. It does not matter what other people do, I am called to do WHAT I AM CALLED TO DO, and I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s calling. I was reminded that living as a Christian oftentimes means that we will be called to stand alone in Christ, which really means that we are not alone at all. I feel this is important to share in my blog even though it is difficult for me to verbalize the lesson that I received and the impact it has had on me.

So this happened two days ago, and our ministry was jam-packed that day. The leaders arrive to debrief before the rest of us, so right before that conversation, we had dropped Brooks off at the bus station. Then we went and did a couple of non-verbal dramas and shared a testimony. We have learned and performed many non-verbal dramas this month and I know they will be helpful to have in our repetiore in the coming months. After that, we went to the church of one of Oscar’s friends, Edwin, for a Spirit-filled concert. I ended up leaving early with Michael because we were the only two who didn’t wear our nicer clothing to the concert so we had to run back to the house to change and then to go to a final service in Santa Ana (the church where I first shared my testimony, and the home church of the family that has been housing us in Santa Ana).

Alberto (the father of the family that has been housing us, oh! and the family that blessed us with providing a wonderful Thanksgiving meal even though they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving!), Carlos, Michael, and I drove to Santa Ana, very quickly I will note since we were late.

I don’t really know how to share this next part. We came to a quick stop and I looked out the window and saw probably twenty to thirty people standing in a group. Alberto stated “accidente” and then “muerto.” It was the proverbial car crash that you can’t look away from. The bed of a pick up had been smashed into the cab and not far away was a man covered in a white sheet. I could see his toes. He was laying on his stomach and I could see his toes. All I could think was the comments my mom has made about my little toes as a baby. All I could imagine was that he was once a little baby and his mom used to play with those toes.

I guess I felt like I have already “confronted” death. For those of you who don’t know, when I was 21 I had four people (plus my dog) in my life die. I was traumatized and it took a while to grieve those losses. However, I felt like I had come face to face with death again and I could not turn away. I was scared and I felt that sinking feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I considered that if Christ called me to die for Him if I would be able to say yes. I really wanted to say yes but I couldn’t do it, all I could respond was “I don’t know” and that made me more scared.

When we arrove at the church we prayed for Michael, since he was preaching, and Carlos, since he was translating. In the middle of the prayer I couldn’t continue talking. I broke down and started crying. God really impressed upon me that all this drama I have been talking about for the rest of this blog really doesn’t matter and that I need to let go. The Lord’s children are laying dead in the street and I am here to provide hope to the hopeless. I am here to love. I don’t want to focus on me. This is such a rare, blessed opportunity to peek into the lives of so many and I don’t want to waste a single moment.
 
I was scared about the idea of death but the Lord is faithful and provided me with a verse when Michael was preaching, Isaiah 41:9-10 “You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called you from its remotest parts, and said to you ‘You are my servant and I have not rejected you, do not fear for I am with you, do not anxiously look about you for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” I opened his Bible right to this passage and was comforted more and more each time I read it over. Jesus Christ has conquered death! I have no reason to be scared because my eternal life is safe and my life is no longer important as long as the gospel of grace is preached!
 
I would say this is mostly what I learned in El Salvador. I have one more lesson that I will share in regards to being placed at Teen Challenge but that will be in a future blog. God bless you, Dios le Bendiga!