4.28.11
I have been talking and processing many of the thoughts that have been going through my head with many of my squadmates since we were all together in Nairobi for a couple days.
I have been struggling with what I have been seeing and ways to share that.
I have been struggling with convictions that I have that others don’t seem to have.
I have been struggling with trying to figure out how other World Racers can see and experience the same things as me and not be moved in the same ways.
I have been battling my attitude toward my teammates and trying to love them everyday where they are even though it can be really difficult in such close community.
I have been struggling with the realization that many at home will not be able to understand what I have been experiencing.
I have been disheartened to realize that others may perceive me in ways that are inaccurate.
I have been torn about wanting to write blogs and have conversations that push people and create tension in hope that the tension will lead to action, but not wanting to “ruffle any feathers” since I feel I have done a lot of that and it can be very uncomfortable.
I have been praying against the attitude that once I complete the Race I will have “done enough” for the Lord and will go back to how I want to live.
I question what it will be like when I get home and whether anyone will want to hear about my experiences.
I wonder how long I will be back in the states before everyone is tired of hearing about my trip.
I wonder how many people think I think I am “holier than thou” or will think I think that because of this experience.
I am praying for wisdom and discernment about how to be able to honestly portray my heart and what I have learned in a way that is not off-putting.
I have been deeply troubled in my soul for my loved ones that claim to be Christians but their lives do no reflect it at all.
I have also been very troubled for my loved ones who don’t know Christ but at least they are not in the scary luke-warm area thinking that everything is ok.
It hits so close to home because I was luke-warm for so long.
I have been asking honest questions about who I am and what in the world I’m doing here.
I have had serious concerns with topics such as evangelism and I am finding I end up with more questions than answers.
I have had to learn the hard way that I can share my convictions but that it is not my job, but rather it is the Holy Spirit’s, to actually do the convicting and lead a person to change.
I have been questioning for as long as I have had my blog who in the world my audience is.
I have not said certain things in my blog and wished I hadn’t said others because I know that it can be misconstrued.
I have been praying that I will reflect Christ accurately in my blogs, and in my thoughts, words, and actions.
I have been striving to be honest even if that will represent me in a way that is broken and does not have it all figured out, since that honestly reflects where I am most of the time.
I am struggling with not being so judgmental of those with me, of those at home, of myself.
I have been trying to figure out what that Christian cliche of “doing it in love/saying it in love” really means. I am praying that I can learn what “tough love” really means, but more than that to know when to actually apply it.
I am deeply yearning to know the Lord: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, on an intimate level.
Some of these struggles have been working themselves out in the past couple days. Some of these struggles will likely get worse. Some of these struggles will probably continue for a while and I will have to rely on the Lord to get my through.
This is where I’m at.
