We went to the beach at Livingston (10/16/10) for our first Sabbath. I sat by said guy on the boat ride over. I noticed that from the day (or two days before…I don’t remember, days blend here) that a lot of weight had been taken off when I simply shared it with my team. I got positive feedback from Em, she encouraged me to not be so hard on myself. She stated that it was natural to feel what I was feeling and to give myself a break. Brooks echoed her feedback and stated that there are rules set up to not date teammates or people at the ministry sites because it is natural and it happens but it is not the time or place. It was freeing to share this with my team even though I didn’t want to. I was praying that God would release me from feeling stuck in these emotions and He put it on my heart that I had to share it with my team which is my family. I will only be around this guy for like two more weeks…the rest of these people are stuck with me for 10 1/2 more months and I do and will continue to need them. So yeah, we rode on “speed boat” over to Livingston and I was able to chat with him. I realize that I don’t know him all that well and a lot of what I am feeling toward him is projection. I also realize that I seek and long for approval and attention. He shared part of his testimony with me and we are able to relate on a lot of levels. It was almost worse that we shared because it creates this type of intimacy. However, all day when we were walking to the beach and when we were walking around I noticed that it he, another girl in our group and me always walking and talking together. The girl and I opened up to each other. She is younger and has many similar circumstances. She shared with me that it was a blessing for her just to be able to share this with me and not have me shy away from the topic of death. Her history is similar in a lot of ways to mine and we seem to have similar views on wanting to abandon our lives and let go of all things to see what God has to offer. I feel like I can really relate to her.
I shared with her that I had a “crush” on this guy and that I was working through it and that I had shared it with my team. She told me that she has similar feelings. We were able to relate to each other on how attractive it is to see a man whose heart is on fire for the Lord and how it can be difficult to focus on ministry when you are faced with that.
So we went last night and played soccer in the rain…it was so fun. However, we played on this cement field and everyone took off their shoes – I guess I did because “everyone was doing it” though I know I don’t do well without zapatos. I got a horrific blister on my foot and had to quit before the game was over. I ended up limping most of the way home…except when Becca and Keryn decided to give me a piggy back – that was pretty funny because they are the two smallest girls here. It was freeing to be able to share this with her. Then the Lord gave me a gift. He gave me a peace in my heart. The Father let me know that He has my spouse picked out and that His choice is meant for me. He also let me know that there is nothing that I have to do about it. I don’t have to earn that spouse. Yes, in relationships there are work but I don’t have to fight for it. It gave me peace and freedom because I was able to look at my sister and love her rather than view her as competition. I shared this with her and she seemed shocked by how similar we are, I think probably most girls are similar in this regard but we often don’t have a safe enough environment to be able to share this.
We slept on the floor of this church last night. “Slept” is a relative term. Due to certain circumstances, I’ll say that what I got out of it was seeing a mirror for my own behavior. Then I read James as I was going to bed and God seemed to confirm what He wanted me to know with James 3:13-16 “If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealously and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthy, unspiritual, and demoinc. For wherever there is jealously and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.” I was able to have peace in my heart as I was trying to sleep. God allowed me to be happy for others and step outside of myself. I have no idea what God has planned for either of us, but either way I can’t force it to happen.
So, back to the blister. We woke up this morning ridiculously early…I think my watch broke so I wasn’t sure what time it was. The plan was to go for an hour hike to El Rio Dulce (the Sweet River) and then go swimming in the river and hike back. I really wanted to go, I don’t like to miss out on anything but walking is so painful. I know that the smart thing to do is to rest for today and I can bond with the girls on my team, because none of them want to go. After walking for a couple of minutes with the girls when we stayed back, I realized that a hike would have been a terrible idea. This was just proof of the freedom that I have because I didn’t have to force it and hurt myself to prove anything.
God reminded me that He is a jealous God, and that He has been pursuing me and He wants my heart. God is so much greater than the butterflies that are fleeting. I am falling in love with Christ and I feel so much freedom because of it.
