10/12/10
Struggling a little with my attitude today. We went to another bar district, prayed over a bar and interceded for some drug addicts, but didn’t actually talk to anyone. After working with addicts and choosing to be abstinent I have a different view of using: I am aware of what a trap it is and how it provides empty promises that promote death and destruction. Other than that we had a lot of free time; I went to Pollo Campero and messed around on the internet, skyped with mom.
I’m struggling because I feel like I’m taking feedback to heart and like I’m being honest even when it may mean that I’m not the most popular but I don’t feel like others are following suit. I heard the girls on my team talking about an issue they had the night before, but the night before I was the only one who voiced it. It ended up working out because I was able to talk about it one on one with the individual about it but it bothered me a little that I wasn’t backed up. I feel kind of in a weird position, though, because the other part of me has pride that I am the one who speaks up, that I have the boldness to speak up about it. I’m irritated by others who aren’t having a more positive attitude about being here, but funny how that works that it is creating a negative attitude in me. I think I want to have an atmosphere where it is safe to speak truth and where the environment is safe, but I want it to happen right now. I need patience to allow others to get to this place. I want to love others and be a beacon of hope truly bringing out the best in others. I am willing to change whatever areas I need to help make this possible. Please, Lord, show me in what areas change needs to occur.
That was prior to our feedback time, this is my reaction after:
I was able to voice my concerns. The individual who was struggling with having a postiive attitude admitted that she does want to be here and that she is trying very hard to have a positive attitude. I thanked her for sharing that because it was a struggle for me if she wasn’t even willing to go there. Then I shared with the rest of the team that I was irritated that no one backed me up. Another teammate shared that she didn’t say anything because she has been trying to take feedback in and process it before responding with her gut reaction (which is usually defensiveness). I asked the team to hold me accountable when I respond to feedback without processing it or when I respond with a defensive reaction. It was freeing to be able to voice these concerns and have them warmly accepted by my team. Brooks asked if it was the “fixer” in me that was coming out – probably. I don’t want to “fix” others anymore. I CAN’T fix others, that’s not my job and I don’t have that power. Lord, help me love on others and be supportive but help me learn healthier boundaries and trust that You are the only one who can fix others.
