11/2/10
It is now 10:30pm and I am sitting in the empty green house (Casa Verde…our ministry site for this month) waiting for it to be 1am so we can leave for the bus station. Team Brady left this morning; it was hard to say goodbye to Becca even though we both know we will be reunited at the end of the month in Nicaragua for debrief. Yesterday we celebrated Claudia’s birthday (Alla’s daughter – Alla is our wonderful cook for the month). I grew close to them. I’m not sure how it really happened; must’ve been a God thing. At first we couldn’t even talk to each other. I attempted my Spanish and she didn’t seem to understand, so I sat it out. I sat with her each day and we grew closer. I think our relationship really grew the day we drove out to the village that the flood had destroyed and dropped off clothing. It was Alla’s sister’s village. We sat around with Alla and Claudia for a long time not knowing where the other group was…we had to take two trips because the van was so packed full of clothing. Thankfully, Greg and I were able to start up a giant futbol game with like 25 children. It was fun, it was like dog pile for the ball since there were so many children. I connected with one little boy, I wish I would have taken his picture. I kept playing with him and whenever he had the ball I would sneak up to him and he would get more and more excited the closer I got. I even picked him up and ran around with him at one point yelling “aqui! aqui!” trying to get his team to pass the ball to me.
On the way home from that trip we sat in the super sketchy van (which belonged to her dad) and she would grab my head and push it out the window to show me something. I didn’t really notice that it was anything out of the norm until Jobie started laughing and commenting on how funny it was, that’s when it struck me that we had formed a bond.
She told me, and a ton of the other girls, multiple times that her birthday is dos de Noviembre and that she necessito ropa y zapatos. It got to the point where I would start asking her “quando y que” and she would just smile at me. She also happened to have size 11 feet…ridiculous for a girl turning 12. She happened to try on my flip flops and really like them, so that was one gift. I also bought her a pretty pink t-shirt that came with a pretty pink necklace and a brown scrunchy shirt. We had her fiesta last night after our last night at Mr. Goal. That was a fun day. Kevin drove me home on a “moto” and he was yelling and shaking his legs and laughing the whole time, to which my response was “stop, please, por favor, no me gusta, cuidado!” During the day, AV (my teammate Annalisa) helped me make a chocolate cake with a chocolate cihp and peanut butter frosting. I decided to make 2 cakes since one was barely enough for us for Brooks’ birthday. I taught Kevin how to make it and he made his very first cake. We had Claudia’s birthday party and she was so shy. She would hardly look in the bags but instead just said “thank yous” (she put the s on it, it was cute). She came to the house today wearing the brown shirt and the zapatos the next morning, it was so cute.
I am embarassed to write this now, but I want to document where my heart was. I was struggling because no one was willing to chip in. AV helped make the cake but other than that it was all on me. But that is not the attitude I want to take. That is not the kind of heart that God desires. The Lord wants a cheerful giver and I want to cheefully have given her that party. That is for Claudia and for Jesus and who I am to be arrogant enough to be prideful or bitter about it. I am trying to work on being humbled. Please humble me Lord.
So today. Team Brady left this morning, so we went to MaxiBo (the local store owned by Walmart) to get snacks for our trip which starts at 2am on 11/3 and goes until…I don’t know? Probably late tomorrow. We got back and cleaned the house and AV and I went to Pollo Campero and had some icecream in order to use up our quetzales (if I’m being honest I mostly went because I wanted helado dipped in chocolate – I was trying to write that in Spanish but I think it is the same in both…).
So most of the ministry guys took Team Brady to Honduros to stay with Hilda’s family (Hilda is Paul’s fiancee). Some of the guys were back that evening but not all of them. I was upset because I hadn’t said goodbye to them since they said the would be back tonight. I had a nagging feeling in my stomach. I don’t want to have a crush, but I do. So I decided to go pray about it. I went and laid down on the side of the house and started talking to my Creator. I told Him how I felt and how confused I was. But I told God that despite my own confusion and lack of understanding, I am going to trust Him. Sometimes I have been guilty of really wanting something and then realizing that I can’t have it on my own power (which I never have the power, it’s just that I finally realize it) and then I decide to give it up, but it’s not genuine because my hope is that because I am “giving it up” that God will actually just give it to me instead. (P.S. for those who haven’t tried this, it usually doesn’t work). So I felt like I had come to a crossroads. I feel deep down that I really want a husband (I know that a crush doesn’t lead to a husband and that I hardly know the guy…I am aware this is less about him and more about me), but I am also aware that I believe the lie that if I “will just get a husband, then I will be happy.” I read this today in Mark 10 and it came back to me: “what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul?” I can continue to seek the things of this world in hopes that I will finally get the satisfication I am looking for, or, I can give it up to the Lord. The one area (that I am aware of at this point in my life) that I am unwilling to give up is my desire for a husband. I am aware that in and of itself it is not wrong to want to have a spouse in the future. However, it is not depending on God or trusting the Lord to view a future husband as my source of happiness. I was faced with a decision. Do I offer up my desire to have a husband to the Lord, trusting the God’s plan is perfect and believing that He knows how to give good gifts to His children; or, do I continue to believe the lie – that experience has taught me over and over again IS A LIE – that if I am just able to accomplish ONE MORE THING then I will be TRULY HAPPY. I didn’t want to give it up but I think I finally trust the Lord (and that is not because He has not been trust worthy, it is because I have been unable to allow myself to trust Him). I asked my Father “where do I sign?” I want God – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – to have complete control of my life. I don’t want to gain the world and lose my soul. I want to give up my flesh and find my true life in Christ. I went and shared this with my team and someone had had a similar experience of coming to a crossroads and having to decide whether to choose their own desires or give it up the God. I feel such freedom. I can write these word, and you (the reader) can read it, but without having been to the crossroads you can’t understand. I would recommend that if you have not been here that you pray for a “crossroads” moment where you can decide who your real God is and what you really trust in. I am so excited to truly feel like a new creation in Christ and I am so excited to see how the Lord is going to work in and through this.
So, by the way, shortly after this we spoke life into Paul (our ministry contact) and prayed for him and he told us that said crush, and good friend, has been at the house since he got back and that he’s going to go to the bus station with us. God proved Himself, and He didn’t have to, but He did because He is a good God and He knows how to give good gifts. What He wants is our hearts, and that happens to be the one and only thing we can give Him.
When I announced this to my team I shared with them that “Addie is dead” and now it is Christ living in me! Praise God!
