After one month on the race there have been a few noticeable changes in my life. Obvious examples to those around me have been replacing my chocolate milk addiction with Chai Tea, having three different hair colors in one month (brown, red, and now blonde), and spending a lot of my free time reading. In the past 10 years I may have read 1 book all the way through. Sparknotes was a lifesaver throughout school to avoid reading, but this month I finished 3 books. Those 3 books assisted with where I think the most change has occurred, that being internally.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it to the full.” -John 10:10 (NIV)
Before leaving for the race, I knew that there were some shame things that I would eventually have to actually confront. Shame, for me, was the area where the enemy seemed to attack hard and often. And I never really acknowledged that was what it actually was. I had given so much time to that voice pointing out any mistake I’d made, and I had this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. This led me to often try to win back God’s approval. So I tried “checking the boxes”. Read my Bible, go to church, do something nice or whatever else people think Christian men do. But that shame feeling never left. Essentially I was feeling much more like a servant than an actual Son of God.
Since training camp, I could feel the Lord working in this area and some things were easier to admit and confront than others. I figured I could put off actually confronting the real tough things till later in the race, say month 4 or 5. Through a series of events, that God obviously had his hands on, He decided that I needed to confront those things on day 4… Which I gotta tell you, I really wasn’t excited about. Especially since it included walking through those tough things out loud with my teammates. So on day 4, I was opening up to my team about those deep areas of shame and hurt that I was feeling. Which, although it was one of the most uncomfortable feelings initially to open up, when you have a group of people there to just be with you and walk through it alongside you, it really is comforting. They listened, offered advice, and one thing they all seemed to ask is, “What does God say about it?” Which is obvious but something I never thought to ask.
We serve a God that sees everything (Heb. 4:13). And I don’t know if anyone else does this, but I have always had a tendency to try and sugarcoat things with Him. Anytime I would come to Him and admit anything, I would always try to spin it to make it not sound as bad… which is just ridiculous. About a week after initially talking with my team, in my quiet time with the Father, I finally just laid it all out. No sugarcoating, no beating around the bush, just the honest truth. Asking for Jesus to come between me and those feelings of guilt and inadequacy and asking to hear what He says about me. The immediate feeling of the love of the Father on a heart level was indescribable. Yes, I have made some mistakes in my life. But those don’t define who I am as a man, especially in the Father’s eyes. What God had been waiting on was just my whole-hearted pursuit of Him, not all these acts of service to gain approval.
One of the books I read talked about how many people think the point of Christianity is forgiveness. Which to an extent it is. But God has called us for so much more than that. He wants a personal relationship with all of us. Just look throughout scripture, constant passages about how He pursues us and wants to be in a relationship with us. Although there are quite a few, if I could pick one person from the Bible to talk to it would be David. David had his fair share of flaws and mistakes but I think he really understood what it meant to be in a relationship and love the Father. Psalms 139 really stands out to me personally, but there are so many examples throughout Psalms showing his love for the Father.
“I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty”
-2 Corinthians 6:16 (NIV)
We serve an incredible God that loves us beyond comprehension. For me, I had heard that for years but never believed it on a heart level. When that finally clicked it made me realize that I could have gone the rest of my life trying to win back the Fathers approval when all He’s been desiring from me is a personal relationship. I think when we pursue Him and create that personal relationship, those “servant acts” don’t come because we are trying to gain approval, they just happen naturally from a place of love.
South Africa has been a whirlwind of a month with a lot of other things happening. God has been doing some incredible things in our team, with our ministry partners, local communities, and throughout South Africa. All of these works are His for His Kingdom and I am just blessed to be apart of it. Looking forward to what God has in store for Zimbabwe.
