Obedience is really the key word here. In the beginning of 2013, I prayed for Jesus to take my life to new horizons, stretch my faith and help me grow. Little did I know things BIG THINGS were about to happen…
Some time has passed since attending Cru Winter Conference. I left questioning and wondering if my obedience to the Lord is in the right place. Am I stepping each day into closer and closer communion with God? Is God calling me to step out in faith to go on the World Race? These were pressing questions on my heart. I will tell you that some nights I couldn’t go to bed because these questions kept pestering me despite speaking to others about this late into the night.
Then, on a Sunday morning church gathering I had come across my first invitation. It happened at my local church, Flood Church, while at UCSD. Pastor Matt gave a message on obedience. It was definitely a message I needed to hear because the impact of his message turned my attention to another problem, insecurities. When I searched deep within myself, there was a fear of obeying God and a fear of being dishonoring to my family and their investment in my education. Yet, I wanted to take this step of faith by going on the World Race. It seemed like the answer I was searching and praying for and God revealed it to me. Returning to the surface, I felt bogged down. On one hand, I had learned to fear rejection from my family if my life didn’t resemble or at least head towards a reputable status. On the other, I feared God had unreasonable plans for me that weren’t good. I told myself, I was pretty sure I wasn’t called to the World Race because it would mean rejection from my family. Honestly, I’m always afraid what my close family members would think about any decision I make in life. Rejection is hard to handle. I will have negative self-talks to myself and as a result, I’ll end up having lowered self-esteem. In my head, I’ll think of my inadequacy to be called onto this journey, a missionary to foreign people. I learned I put my value in not experiencing rejection from my family or close people. So much of my attention and energy dealing with obedience had taken its toll on me, I felt defeated. Validation from my family meant more than trusting in the Lord. I knew I hardened my heart against God. That day, I had learned that I let my fears win and I let the enemy win. I couldn’t help but felt sad and pitiful for myself and obsessed with validation as I left church that Sunday. Yet, that night and for several nights after, I felt a stirring inside that kept whispering God is not abandoning me and He’s not done with me yet.
More time passed as I worked out my problems with the help of others. I came to believe I was enough. Was I enough to go on the Race?
My second invitation happened when I was at the Thursday Cru meetings when Joe Priola spoke from Luke 10. The passage is about Jesus sending the Seventy-two out. The passage is marked with agricultural terms and imagery in an effort to relate the recipients at that time to the principals of living in the Kingdom of God. Jesus talks to his audience whose language and culture consisted of words like harvest, farming, sheep, fig trees, grapes, etc. In this case, he talks about a harvest to these farmers. In reference to Genesis 10, there are 72 tribes or descendants of Noah, and with Jesus sending out 72 people, he is drawing a connection to the Old Testament. When Joe finished saying all of this, he made another point that it was an intentional move on Jesus to draw 72 people to all those nations. In the passage, Jesus invited the disciples to pray and then go, as it says “Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves.” While reflecting on this, I remembered saying to myself, “I wonder if Jesus is still inviting me to follow Him by going on the World Race.” I prayed and I felt pretty sure God was saying go. But the most striking thing about my response in contrast to the passage was that once Jesus invited the disciples to pray, he said Go! He didn’t say wait around or standstill. Whereas, I was standing still, almost waiting for this invitation to past and forgetting this event ever happened in the passive sense. (I didn’t forget about this day because I happened to have recorded Joe’s message on my phone and oddly, it was the only recording I have of any Cru meetings)
What ended up happening after my second encounter was I didn’t do anything after I prayed, I actually didn’t want to act. I felt pretty uncomfortable with the whole idea after some time thinking about all the strange people I’d meet and how I don’t like meeting new people. I wanted to stick with my own agenda despite what, to me, God was saying clearly by now that the invitation is open.
My third encounter was nothing I experienced before. If you know me, I have an enormous affection, dare I say an obsession, with reading and learning. I’m a growing scholar for life. I was reading through the book of Hebrews. For some reason, I wanted to read Hebrews really bad. I felt I would find my answer to weather God wanted me to certainly go. I felt it was a mature book for me to read from another standpoint. A friend told me that it’s an eloquent piece of writing, considered the writing is more polished than any book in the New Testament and the central theme of the book was on Christ’s role as a mediator between God and mankind. As I was reading through, I found that it was also committed to the spiritual well-being of its readers. It was in chapter 3, when truth shattered my walls and God gave me a trajectory-check. Hebrews 3:7-8 says “So, as the Holy Spirit says, Today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts, as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the wilderness.” I closed my bible. I didn’t know what to do besides pray. Later that evening, I confessed to the Lord that my heart was hard and I was not wholeheartedly abiding in Him. I confessed I did not trust Him with my future nor consider what He was calling me to do. I said I felt discouraged by what others perceive of me and from the lack of support from others. After a time of praying and confessing my harden heart, I received what I felt was God’s grace and forgiveness. I felt inner healing. I closed up that night by saying a prayer and trusting the Lord with my next year by saying yes to the World Race. And so I conclude with these words I pledged at winter conference, “Lord Jesus, I surrender to you and in the power of your spirit, I will go where you want to go, do what you want me to do, say what you want me to say, and give what you want me to give.”
Epilogue: the craziest thing God has been doing in my life is changing me from the inside out. I am thirsty for more of Him on this pilgrimage I am on, and I cannot wait for what lies ahead. Pray for boldness, courage, humility and perseverance as I raise funds for this trip! It is hard once I got accepted late on the trip and found out I have 2 weeks to raise support for meeting my first deadline ($3,500) on July 11th. But I am trusting in the Lord that this is His leading and I’m committed to doing my part in it! If you’re interested in partnering with me financially, let me know! I want to talk to you and share this story He’s given me!
