For quite some time now, I’ve been debating about whether or not to write this blog. Well I decided to because just as the Lord told Paul He also told me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Paul goes on to say, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (2 Corinthians 12:9). God likes to use lowly, degraded things and turn them around. When He takes something of low stature that could never seemingly be used for good, He flips it upside down and uses it to bring Himself glory. I believe God is going to use my story to help others confess and boast in their weakness, where they are vulnerable, because not only does it heal people and set them free, but it also brings Him the most glory. So here it is: my story of sexual freedom.
When I was in the second grade, so around the time that I was 8 years old, I was introduced to the horrific entity that is pornography. Being that young, I guess I had no idea what it was, what to think of it, or what to do with it; it was completely new to me. At the time, I didn’t know how much it would affect my life, but that was only the seed which would weave its way into my life and have a huge impact later on.
It wasn’t until I would say around 7th grade that pornography began to work its way back into my life since that first incident in second grade. It became something that would be watched with friends simply out of curiosity. Although we knew what we were doing was wrong, we were curious to see what pornography had to offer.
Going into 8th grade and high school, I began watching pornography on my own, which in turn was accompanied by masturbation. Throughout high school, I turned to pornography a few times per month, along with masturbation without pornography. Inherently I knew it was wrong, not just pornography, but masturbation as well; there was however seemingly nothing I could do to stop. To put it simply, I was addicted. When I became a Christian my senior in high school I was still masturbating and looking at pornography, only now it was associated with shame for sinning. Not only sinning in the act of lust due to the pornography, but it also caused me to lust after women in real life.
It continued on throughout the rest of high school and into college. It plagued my life and it seemed as if nothing could ever stop it; I hated it. I was bound in its chains and every time I thought I had escaped, it would pull me right back in. Because it didn’t stop, it actually developed worse. Going into college pornography wasn’t the only problem, but cybersex also crept its way into my life. This made me feel even worse about myself because it had gone a step farther into sin, which gave me more shame. I tried so many times to stop, but I just couldn’t. I would stop for a season and then I would slip up once. I was trying to stop in my own power instead of relying on Christ.
This continued on into my attending UW-Eau Claire in the spring semester of 2012. During that semester however, something changed. I got invited to a PURE group at Valleybrook Church. The group was led by a pastor there who had his own fair share of pornography and lust issues in his past which he was now free from. The first night in a room of about twenty some men, age range from 20 to late 50’s or older, we all confessed our sexual sin. It was incredible to know that so many others struggled with the same thing as I did. Then one day I met with the pastor one on one and confessed everything in detail to him. I can’t explain how scary it was to do that, but the outcome was amazing; such a weight was lifted off my shoulders. The next week’s devotional for that class consisted of having a little mock funeral ceremony by writing an obituary for your old self. I did this whole heartedly and later that day surrendered my life entirely over to God to do with as He pleased; asking that He would show me where He wants me (He showed me the World Race that same day, but that’s another story).
I began to walk in my new found freedom. For a while. Then, lust showed it’s ugly self yet again and I was taken back into pornography and cyber-sex every once in a while. All the while this last semester during this ongoing sin, I was involved in sex-trafficking awareness. Full well knowing that pornography blatantly fuels the sex-trafficking industry, I still found myself turning to it. I was telling people about how terrible pornography is, yet I was involved in it. I was a hypocrite.
This continued on throughout this last summer of 2012, just less frequently. Right before training camp in July I had a confession time with God and again totally let go and “knew” I was done with pornography. Through a prophecy practice at training camp, a newly met squadmate and now friend of mine pictured a playboy bunny, and I knew that it was God’s way of telling me that if I relied on Him, I would never turn back too pornography and my old self. Even though I had that encouragement, I still struggled with masturbation for the rest of the summer up until Launch of the World Race. While on the Race, I have had my times of struggle with masturbation and lust.
However, over these past few months, God has done some incredible work in my heart as can be seen in some of my previous blogs. God has revealed to me that He is my true Father and His love for me doesn’t change because of what I do or don’t do; what I say or don’t say. He is obsessed with me and that will never change. I am His son and that is my identity, nothing can change that, it’s who I am.
I know that I will never turn again to pornography or masturbation. I am so confident in the love of God my Father that I don’t need the false sense of “love and acceptance” that pornography and masturbation offer.
My chains are gone and I am set free.
Sin has lost its grip on me and I will never turn back to the chains of lust. I am set free from guilt and shame in Jesus’ name.
I am Adam Mollica, a son of God. He is my Dad and He loves me.
I am forgiven and loved.
That is all.
