*I am a true believer that all things happen for a reason and that each aspect of our lives leads us to become the person we are supposed to be. God’s timing is perfect; as stated in Acts 1:7 “The Father alone has the authority to set those dates and times, and they are not for you to know”. Things may really SUCK at the time, but in hindsight it all makes since. Though I do not like some parts of my journey it has been MY journey and it has made me the person I am today*
When we arrived at the Christian Light Foundation we were told that about 80% of the children that visit the feeding center are abused at home. Everyday during the week my team gets to hang out, play, and love on all the children; they age from little babies to around 15. These kids have such an amazing spirit! One day it was brought up of how could these kids have such an amazing spirits and be going through so much on a daily bases. Well I can tell you this, most likely the kids see the Finca as a happy place. For 2 hours a day they can have a good meal and be free. For 2 hours they don’t have to think about what happens at home.
I understand this feeling.
For years I hid behind a curtain like the Wizard. Unlike the wizard my curtain made me appear happy, outgoing, generous, and involved (The Poster Child). Behind the curtain was a very sad, scared, alone, and lost little girl. I didn’t open up and I didn’t share my story; people would than know the truth, and that scared me even more.
Between the age of 13 and 15 is when my curtain was at its thickest. During this time I started to realize that others judge you and I know I would be at the top of someone’s judgment list. I lived in a run down trailer (rats and holes in the floor included), my dad was an alcoholic (pretty sure drugs were around too & who had random people over all the time), and I was basically raising my younger brother and myself. Oh and don’t forget that my mom died by committing suicide when I was four (life was too much and I wasn’t enough). So I made a conscious decision to not let anyone know about my life.
At school I made straight A’s, I was involved in all sorts of activities; that ranged from cheerleading, honor society, and tv production. Who would think a person like that had such an awful life at home. School was my happy place (my Finca). I made myself the person I figured people would want to see, and the person that than became expected of me.
During this time period of appearing happy inside I was actually depressed. On multiple occasions I didn’t want my life anymore. On multiple occasions I wanted to end my own life. I would sit with a knife to my wrist but could not do anything with it, or on those days that I was crying so hard that I could not breath I would try smothering myself. If I could just stop breathing all would be ok. I wasn’t needed in this life; I was pretending to be someone else anyway. I was never able to physically hurt myself and because of that I felt weak (my mom could do it why can’t I).
This all came to a boiling point when I was 15 (the morning of my driving permit test to be exact). That morning my dad and I had an argument/yelling match. I admitted to him that I didn’t want to live anymore and I tried taking myself out of the picture. I also told him that if he didn’t change that he would lose me and my brother. This is something that scared my so much; I had already lost my mom did I really want to lose my dad too, no matter what was going on.
That morning was the turning point of my family’s life. My dad has not had a drink since that day. He promised to do all he could for us and support us. I am so thankful for my dad; I know that he lives each day for my brother and I, and he wants us to both have and do all that we can. With the World Race I know my dad was a little apprehensive (letting go of your little girl can be hard), but he still supported me and still continues to support my decision.
Although things have changed dramatically and I have not had those thoughts for a very long time I still feel that I’m still pretending. Who is the real Ada?
The answer to this question is what I am searching for. Throughout the race I hope to learn who I am as myself through Christ.
Stay tuned as questions get answered.
