i’m confused God. i’m confused why You sent me here with doubt. Doubt of Your existence, of Your power and of Your truth. For so long my faith has defined me, my righteousness has labeled me as Youro pure daughter. though here i am Lord raw and naked, even a little broken. yet here i am before Your feet so vulnerable and so dirty and i can’t feel You! why now? why now does my faith feel smaller than a mustered seed. why now does it feel like my roots are shriveling up in this desert. here in africa i cry out to You to show up! to give me a reason for this faith that i have built my whole life upon. show up God! show me that my good Father has not left me alone.
and You did.
not in a vision or a mountain top moment but in my desperation You were by my side.
yes i couldn’t feel You and most of the time i didn’t believe You were there but now i can see how You directed my steps.
You gently opened my eyes to Your faithful and never failing love.
Through my drought Lord you pointed me to water. You lead me through sand so that Your perfect rain would be even sweeter.
i am overcome with thankfulness. thankful that You see me, that You choose me, and You pursue me. Lord i am just now starting to grasp what it means to be nothing without You. my flesh is weak temptations are real, and i choose You over all of it. i choose to believe You when this world is screaming lies in my head. Lord You love me. You. love. me. the creator of the earth loves and chooses to be WITH me. i am in awe of Your detailed work, of how You have orchestrated my life so perfectly. You know me so well. You know when i need to fall, when i need to be broken and when i need to be tested, and You show up in Your perfect timing, to hold me, to pick up all my pieces, and to give me water. i rest and i run before You and for You Lord. this race is for You. Lord i believe that my doubt and my confusion and my cries we’re heard. that they were not ignored but tests to reconstruct my faith and my identity. i am here surrounded by my team and this community for a reason. For a purpose that i have only seen a glimpse of. You are molding my character and refining my faith. Lord you have set my feet in this land to proclaim your name at the top of my lungs. You have asked me to step out of my comfort zone, and share the most intimate parts of my story to strangers. You have used me. You have shown me that my broken, confused, and dry faith You have and will continue to use to change lives for eternity. my life is insignificant in this world, but you have made it significant in Your Kingdom. so because of this victory i cling to You. not thinking that i know it all but seeking You out even in the questions and the confusion.
