Over the last few weeks the Lord has been revealing things from my past and testimony that I haven’t necessarily gained healing from. Things that still shape the way I participate in relationships, determine how I feel about things, or even the way I think about things. Things that I thought I could bury deep down, forget about and be perfectly fine. The devil knows about those things and can use them against us. When I got home from debrief I started to have nightmares. At first they were your typical monster, creepy, childish nightmares. Then they started to transform into strange dreams that related to things that I had experienced and gone through throughout my life. It left me restless and confused.
Our squad leader Hilary was staying with us and began speaking into my team about the way we talk to each other. As a whole we had a tendency to joke a lot and tear each other down unintentionally through our jokes. I was given some feedback about the way I joke about things that have been said or done to me as a way of making light of a situation that actually negatively effected me. All of this was a result of past hurt that hadn’t been processed and that I hadn’t received healing from. So, Hilary thought that as a whole we would benefit from participating in some Beauty for Ashes activities and we started diving into some past and present hurts in our life.
A few nights after Hilary left I was talking to my teammates Tina(Destiney) and Mady about some video ideas we had for the team to do. It made me remember a video I wanted to make before launching on the race, but didn’t because I couldn’t dive as deep into my testimony as I felt necessary because I still wasn’t okay with it. I sat there with them for a while talking and came to the conclusion that I have some difficult processing to do, but the outcome is going to be beautiful. Today on our drive home from ministry I put my headphones in and started listening to the song “You Don’t Miss a Thing” by Hillsong and listened to the lyrics intently.
The words hit me like a ton of bricks. That even though I feel like I’m falling to my knees under the weight of past burdens, He’s the one who pulls me back up. The God that created the Heavens and the Earth notices me! He doesn’t miss a single thing. In a crowd of ten thousand he doesn’t miss a thing. He cares about me so much and cares about the things in my life so much that he notices every intricate detail. There is absolutely no place I can go that he wouldn’t find me. There is nothing I can hide from him and no place I can hide myself from him. There is no place that I could fall that His love wouldn’t catch me. He sees me through eyes of love. He looks at the deep and dark parts on my life and still adores every ounce of my being. There’s nothing that could be revealed about me that He doesn’t already know and love.
How awesome is that? Then tonight during team time Tina shared a few verses from Nahum 1 that just put it all together.
God is good,
a hiding place in tough times.
He recognizes and welcomes
anyone looking for help,
No matter how desperate the trouble.
But cozy islands of escape
He wipes right off the map.
No one gets away from God.
Why waste time conniving against God?
During these hard times when I have to process hard things, He’s standing there with arms wide open waiting for me. He welcomes me into his arms and comforts me. No matter how deep and dark the hurt and pain may be. When I try to run from it to the cozy islands of escape, He wipes them off the map. There is no place I can go that His love won’t find me. Why waste my time running? He doesn’t miss a thing.
