I realize that this blog post may be a bit controversial, especially for those grieving the loss of my cousin Vivian. So, I ask that before reading this that you pray and ask God for your heart to be where it needs to be to take from this what he has for you to take.
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The other night I was sitting in my room crying, as I have most nights since Vivian’s death, and decided to compose myself and pray. Now don’t get me wrong, I pray. But, in this context it has been more of a cry to Heaven in agony over the weight of my grief rather than a conversation. Over the last few days I had talked to a couple people about my prayer life and had come to the conclusion that even when I had nothing to pray, to pray anyway.
So, that’s what I did. I literally started off by saying “God, I don’t know what to say to you.” Then I began to list my wants. “I want to stop hurting. I want her back. I want to be happy. I want to go on the race. I want you.”
Wait, what?? I want God??
I’m not sure where those words came from or why I said them, but I’m assuming it was God’s doing because after I said it, I flashed back to a few months earlier and remembered how on fire I was for God. I was in a place where I had started to really understand the sacrifice of the cross, how much God loves me, and how much I love him in return. I WANTED God! I would do ANYTHING for the kingdom! Leave my home for nine months? Yeah! Leave everything I’ve ever known? Yeah! Leave my comfort zone? Yeah! Give God one of my closest family members? Now wait just a minute God.
In Genesis 22, we see God test a man named Abraham. Abraham and his wife Sarah had always wanted a son, but it wasn’t until they were old and worn that God gave them Isaac. Then God does the unthinkable. God tells Abraham to take this beloved son and to offer him as a burnt sacrifice. Being an obedient servant of the Lord, Abraham does as God commanded. He took Isaac to the region of Moriah to be killed. Before Abraham could sacrifice him, God stops him. Because of his obedience God promises him that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars.
It’s hard to say what we would do in this kind of situation, but I do know that when I say “I want God!” I mean it. If losing Vivian is what it takes to bring me to the realization that I want God above all else, then all I can say is God’s will be done. We are all like lumps of clay and God is our potter. He beats us and mends us with the intention to make us into a masterpiece. I don’t believe God causes bad things to happen, but I do believe he takes these bad situations and makes them beautiful through the lessons we learn.
Earlier this week a friend of mine from the World Race texted me and in short terms tells me that God has told her, that while on the race, I will meet a women who is heart broken over a loss. She said that I would be her bridge back to Jesus and restore her joy.
At first I thought it was complete bologna. I don’t have any joy, how am I supposed to bring joy to this women and point her to Jesus? Then, I think about it. I think about the struggles I’ve endured in my life, and more specifically my senior year. I think about the lessons I’ve learned and the person they’ve shaped me to be. My cousin’s passing, although tragic, was not an accident. God is sovereign and in control of everything. It was no surprise to God and he had already laid out a purpose for her death, such as me meeting this women and pointing her back to him. There are so many things to gain from this loss and everyone will gain something different.
For me, it’s sacrifice. I’d sacrifice anything, even my family for God. In my life Vivian died for the sake of the gospel, so that I would understand the true depths of sacrifice. It’s hard to grasp that and accept it. It’s so easy for my flesh to take over in this situation, but I remember the moment I realized how much I loved God. I just had this urge to follow him to the ends of the earth come hell or high water. Over time that had settled because of difficult circumstances. But last night he rekindled that flame. I know that it’s going to anger people to hear that I would give up someone as special as Vivian, but truth is she was never mine. She was never any of ours. She was His all along. Just like Abraham knew that Isaac was never his.
#liveforviv
