Being homesick is overrated. I have never in my life been someone to miss home. I was the kid that cried on the last day of camp because I didn’t want to go home. The one who stayed at her friends house more than her own. I love my family, adore them even, but I have dreamed of moving out at 18 since I was little. The dream of being independent and chasing my dreams has always fascinated me… until I actually did it.
I didn’t cry when I said goodbye to my family. I didn’t even cry during launch. We got to Lezhe on Tuesday and had two days to get settled and then we started working. Then we had the weekend off and that Saturday I lost it. I’m not a crier and I definitely don’t cry in public, but this day I couldn’t help it. I literally cried all day in public, walking down the street, sitting and eating food, in front of people I’m not close to, and basically until I went to sleep. I have never experienced something like that and I hated it. I couldn’t understand that if this was where God had called me to be and if this was truly His plan then why was it so hard to be away from home. All I wanted was to be cuddled up with my pets and my parents in their large, comfy bed watching Gilmore Girls or The Andy Griffith Show, but instead I was laying on some springs wrapped in plastic, in a room the size of my closet with 6 other girls.
For what seemed like an eternity I was stuck doubting God’s plan for my life and could not hear His voice. God was being silent. I sat every morning in the upstairs room listening to George (our host) teach from the book of Proverbs and although there were plenty of great notes to be taken, nothing was sticking out. Nothing was speaking into the heartbreak I was feeling. I would sit and read my bible and journal about the day I had and wait.
“God if this is really your plan then why do I feel this way? Why do I want to be everywhere except where I am? If this is your plan and doubt is just a side effect of the job why aren’t you speaking to me? Why am I going through the battles I’m going through if you aren’t even going to help me through them?” These were nightly thoughts I struggled with as I began to also face the difficulties that come with being on a team of not only all girls, but girls I’ve only known for a few weeks. I knew that there were things within my team that I felt strongly about and felt like needed to be addressed, but I didn’t think that I had the power to change anything. I didn’t believe that my words had power or that they were worth being heard. I truly didn’t think that I had anything to offer my team.
Then God spoke.
No, not audibly, but in a really cool way. A few months before I left for the race I asked my mom to buy me a devotional book. She bought me one entitled “12 Women of The Bible”, and I stowed it away to take with me when I left. While I was in Lezhe on one of our off days I was talking to my former Spanish teacher turned friend Haley about some of the struggles I had been facing. At first she just kept telling me how strong I was for doing what I was doing and that she was proud. I sure as heck didn’t feel strong. I felt like a helpless little kid, not the 18 year old, independent, young adult I thought I’d be. I needed to be reminded that it was a bold move to follow God the way that I did by leaving my home and that I was strong for being willing to give up almost everything I had. Then she told me that my parents named me perfectly. I was like “whuutt?” She told me that my parents named me perfectly because I reminded her of Abigail in the bible. I didn’t know much about Abigail, other than she was one of David’s wives. So, I went home and wanted to read more about her and figure out what it was that made me like her. You know where I found the information I needed? (I’ll give you a hint: not Google) Remember that devotional my mom gave me? Yep, she was in there. That typically wouldn’t sound like a big deal, but I thought it showed a perfect example of how God knows the battles we will face and what we need before we even face them.
I opened the book up to the chapter all about Abigail and read the introduction. It literally blew my mind. It talked about how Abigail was calm and level headed, she resolved conflict well, and she spoke firmly but with love. Abigail stood for what she believed and for the truth of God, but did so in a way that could be received well. Throughout the chapter on Abigail and what I read in 1 Samuel God kept pointing out how Abigail wasn’t afraid to speak up and speak out about the truth of God. She did so with love. Abigail isn’t who I am or who I have been, instead God was showing me who I want to be, who I can become, and who he has called me to be.
I’ve never been a big reader, nor have I been someone who found it to be a favorite pass time to just read the Bible. So, before the race I began to pray asking God to give me a passion to read His word. I began to read 1 Samuel and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t put it down. After I read 1 Samuel God lead me to Matthew and that’s currently where I am. But not only have I had the passion to dive into His word, He has kept with the theme of having power behind words and actions. Through Abigail I learned that I have power in my words and that God wants me to be his advocate. Now as I read Matthew I see God showing me the authority He has given me as a disciple. I have the same power that God gifted the 12 with. He didn’t accept me into His family to follow Him around and watch Him preform miracles and save souls, but instead has given me that very ability so that I can go and multiply.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that when God calls you to something like the race, He isn’t just calling you to run a camp, English club, preach in church, or do physical labor. He is calling you to the potter’s wheel. He’s asking you to willingly let Him beat and mold you through experiences that can be less than desirable. Such as losing family members, leaving home, feeling less than enough, facing persecution through words, and loneliness. He called me to the mission field, but on the mission field He has called me to be an Abigail, He’s called me to be a true disciple, He has called me to be an heir of the throne, and to be a recipient of the authority we as his children are entitled to. Life on the race has proven it’s difficulties. It’s had it’s fair share of bad days. Life on the race has also been one of the most amazing experiences I’ve had yet in life and it’s only month one. I’ve had some of the most amazing days and have had the pleasure of letting God teach me some of the coolest lessons.
