This blog is about a memory I had from back in the US. I shared it with my team and they encouraged me to post it. This is most vulnerable I’ve ever been so, enjoy.
First and foremost, this is not actually about a car wreck (surprise). Sorry for the constant deception from my blog titles. Think of it more so as wordplay than deception. The thing that got wrecked was me and I was driving a car so, therefore, I was wrecked in a car.
For those of you who may not know, I struggle a lot with feeling love and worth in myself. It’s largely the effect of a few years of constant struggle between me giving my heart and others dropping it leading me to believe I wasn’t enough. That all is another story for another time. In short, I developed the feeling that I could become enough if I looked the best. If I could just be the most attractive then I would be worthy of love. This year I have struggled with it even more than in the two years prior. I realized in January my desire for fitness had become a gym addiction. To counteract that, I started to go less and prioritized other things over it. I was getting better. I was becoming healthier, not fitter. I began to love myself more and accept myself to be worthy of love.
But then, I broke. A new guy had been introduced into my friend group. He was indeed an attractive fellow. But I was enamored by his personality and love of Jesus above all. I refuse to go into any more detail about who this is about because if he ever read this I would be thoroughly embarrassed. Still maintaining my flesh ideals, I would be gratified only if I found out he liked me. I knew there were only two girls in the friend group he might be interested in, myself and another. Long story short, he asked the other girl on a date instead of me. Still being consumed by lies and desire of flesh I might as well have been stabbed in the heart. I hardly even liked him and had only known him for a month or so, but it hurt. I wanted to be desired, I wanted to be the most beautiful, but I wasn’t.
I left immediately from the function I was at when I found out. I knew where I had to go. I knew what would make me better. I knew where the best outlet of my feelings was. The gym. I drove 20 minutes to the gym and worked out for about 2 1/2 hours until I had sweat my emotions out. I got in my car and was still a crumbled, emotional wreck. I couldn’t stop crying. I thought I loved myself, but I didn’t truly. It was all love of flesh.
I would never be enough.
I would never be skinny enough.
I would never be pretty enough.
I would never be “Christian” enough.
I would never be worthy of love.
I knew I needed to get home so of course, I had to pick the best driving music. I needed Jesus and I knew it. I had heard a song the Sunday before at PCC called “Surrounded” by Michael W. Smith. I put it on and turned it all the way up as I drove. This was easily the most dramatic car ride of all time. I was screaming the song on repeat, I was crying my eyes out, I was pray-yelling at God.
I asked God: “Why couldn’t you have made me prettier? Why did you screw up with me?”
God speaks to me much like a sassy black man, but this time, He spoke to me with the comfort of a Father.
“There have been billions and billions of people on the earth. Since the beginning of time, I have never once failed a single one of them, even when they didn’t love me in return.”
*Insert sassy God*
“Why are you so selfish to believe that of all of these billions of people, I would screw up with YOU? In THIS moment? Have I not always kept my promises? Why then would I lie about making you perfectly and intricately?”
Wrecked. God literally just called out my crap. The INSTANT I heard this I began to cry more because His love is so pure and true that even through me yelling at Him and accusing Him, He loves me still.
He has told me I am beautiful. And He does not lie.
He has told me I am worthy of love. And He does not lie.
He has told me I am enough. And He does not lie.
He has told me I am a princess. And He does not lie.
He has told me I do not need my physical features to be loved. And He does not lie.
He has told me I am made exactly as I was meant to be. And He does not lie.
I still struggle with my self-image and feeling loved quite a lot. But the main difference between then and now, is I have a truth to hold me up. When the words of the enemy and my flesh creep in, I fight them with the words of God:
“Why would I fail you now?”
