This past week the women of WR Gap year went through a course for leading women’s retreats. The course we walked through was so incredibly helpful and I am beyond thankful for the insight it brought. During the sessions, we were asked some hard questions. “How do you view the Lord?” and, “If you could play a game with the Lord, what would you play?” It’s spiritually draining to sit for 3 hours on end talking with the Lord. YES, I love(!) talking with the Lord; it’s one of my favorite things to do. It’s even more draining when He doesn’t answer the way I want Him to or He doesn’t give me an answer. It’s hard not to fall into shame or frustration when He asks you to wait. It was just… oh man.. HARD. During the two last sessions, I couldn’t pay attention to the subject. I was kinda over talking about my feelings. I was spiritually, physically and emotionally drained. Ya know? On top of that, my team was put in charge of leading Squad Church and the Lord was prodding me to lead it with my teammate. Which I was in denial about! Yay!
So obviously, I got super overwhelmed!
I(& my team too probably) noticed that I started to get stressed about the smallest of things. Things that didn’t matter that I made matter above loving my team well. During our women’s week, we had a timed fitness challenge. Amid the challenge, I started to put a lot of pressure into finishing on time. I began to do the math of how much time we have left + how much more we had to do and proceeded to tell the people around me that we needed to step it up. May I add, I did not say those things in a kind or loving voice. My pal Mary gave me a reality check and said, “We don’t have to finish it on time. It’s ok, calm down.” That hit me. The same thing happened when we led our squad in church last night. A list of all of our ‘to-do’s’ filled my mind. I immediately stepped out of the present moment and did not allow myself to enjoy the process.
Looking back on those moments, I ask myself, “Why were you so stressed out?” I did not pick up my cross. I did not lay down myself and rest at His feet. My headspace was full of MY agenda. What would happen if I stopped in the busy moments of life and asked, “Ok God, this is all on you. I don’t have to prove anything, you’ve already approved of me.” 1 Corinthians 14:33 says, For God is not a God of disorder but of peace-as in all the congregations of the LORD’s people.” and 1 Peter 5:7 says, Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
Yes! I am tired of talking about my feelings! Yes! I am emotionally drained! Yes! I have a lot of emotions! But He’s ok with that. All He asks me to do is cast my anxiety on Him. Because He cares for me. The God of peace finds me in every season and every moment. He can take my stress, He can take my emotional vomits, He can take my spiritually questions. He can take my outbursts of missing home. So I’m gonna start with Him and I’m gonna stay with Him. Is it going to be perfect and am I always going to stay within the safety of His wings? No, BUT GUESS WHAT!? He can take that too.
To summarize: I’m emotional(!) but I serve the God of healthy emotions who wants me to walk through my unhealthiness and lean on Him as we go.
