halfway done. thank you God for breaking and remaking me more in the past 4 and half months than I ever have been.
I’m only just recently starting to process the crazy faith he has and is continually pulling me further into. I was recently asked by my squad mentor to remember my why. Why did I decide to leave all familiarity for 9 months? I decided to look back on old journal entries and see what I had said in response to this question. The only answer for my ‘why’ was that God told me go. Saying yes to the race was hard. I didn’t understand why I was meant to go. I felt so unequipped and unqualified. But still I said yes. I knew if I didn’t, then I would keep running away from scary decisions and towards comfortability for the rest of my life.
The first month away from home was spent in a state of confusion. I was in a foreign country with foreign people doing foreign things. Trying to adjust was difficult; and still, I couldn’t understand why God wanted me there. My inability to simply rest in the unknowingness of it all kept me from a lot of potential growth. For a lot of the race I’ve unconciously been stuck in a mindset of questioning. I’ve been searching for answers, and when God hasn’t answered them, I’ve considered it a road block.
God has been revealing to me that it doesn’t have to be a barrier.
I don’t have to have the answers to every question. Not everything has to make sense to me. Understanding the why to my situation is not the answer to my problems. Instead of asking God WHY I’m in a situation, He’s been telling me to ask how I can be light in the situation. How can I be a vessel of love? How can I show others Jesus? How can I abide in him? He doesn’t ask us to understand, he calls us to trust. The problem with my mindset has been my lack of trust in how he is using me. I skipped the trust part and went straight to the obey. I went on the world race because He called me to, but I didn’t trust that he would use and equip me. You can’t fully obey without fully trusting. Our insecurities have no place at the feet of Jesus. It doesn’t matter that I feel incapable of what he has called me to , because I TRUST that he is so much bigger than how I feel. On the days when I don’t understand, He tells me to stop striving to understand and to just start abiding. On the days when I don’t see how I could possibly help, he tells me to stop searching and start loving. We can’t change our situations, and understanding why we are in them won’t make a difference. freedom is found in being okay with not understanding. freedom is found in knowing that no matter what, God still has me right where he wants me.
Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight you paths.”
Thank you God that I don’t have to understand everything to have peace. You are enough for me.
also, I’m soo crazy thankful to say that I’m completely funded! To every single one of you who has donated financially or through prayer: YOU ARE INVESTING IN THE KINGDOM OF GOD. Thank you. I wouldn’t be here without your willingness to give and obedience to take a step of faith. Please send me and my team lots of prayers as we go into the next half of our race. Love you guys.
-Abi
