TRAINING CAMP

Wow. I don’t really know where to start. So much has happened within the past 3 weeks and it’s all sort of a jumbled mess in my head. I got back from training camp exactly one week ago, and I’m STILL catching up on my sleep. For those of you who don’t know, training camp is a time for preparing and learning about what life on the race will look like. Training camp was nothing like I thought it would be. I really want to use this blog as a place where I can be honest and vulnerable with you guys, so I’m going to try not to sugar coat it. Before I left, I read all the training camp blogs and watched all the little montage videos that previous world racers had put together. I definately set expectations for training camp; that was my first mistake.  For the 10 days we were there, we slept in tents, took bucket showers, hiked an almost 2.5 mile trail with all of our gear, ate super weird foods, and sweat waaay too much. For me, that was the easiest part of training camp. I knew that training camp was going to be physically demanding. What I didn’t know was how mentally and spiritually demanding it was going to be. The whole time I was at training camp I struggled with an immense amount of doubt surrounding God and myself. I doubted that this was God’s plan for me. I doubted that I was capable. I doubted that all this was worth it. I doubted that I would ever feel like I belonged. I doubted my self-worth. I doubted if God was even real. All these doubts were so rampant and loud in my head. The hopelessness and depression that followed was so unexpected and strong that at one point I decided I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go on the race. I started isolating myself and resorting to old habits to help me cope. It took me a while to process everything. When I got home, I started looking over all the notes and journal entries I took during morning devotions, session, and free time. There was a lot of pain and confusion in some of the things I wrote, but I also saw a lot of growth between day one and day ten. Here is what I learned I learned from training camp: 

There will be days on the race when all I want is to go home.  That doesn’t change the fact that God so very clearly called me to go, and I know that his plan is best. Every. Single. Time. God has called me to deny myself in order to show his goodness. The purpose of me leaving is not to have fun. I’m leaving to grow, and to show others the love of Jesus. Every good thing that comes with that is just a bonus. (Mark 8: 34-38)  

I’m a very emotional person by nature. I often get so wrapped up in what I feel, that I forget what IS. Just because I feel alone doesn’t mean I am alone. Just because I feel like there is no hope doesn’t mean there is no hope. I can’t always trust my emotions, but I can always trust God. My emotions might tell me that I’m unloved, but Abba tells me I’m sweet and precious in His eyes. That is the ultimate truth. (Colossians 3:2) 

In order to authentically love others, I have to possess authentic love for the father and for myself. You can’t have just one. Real and genuine love requires you to love God whole heartedly and the other two will inevitably follow. (Romans 15:18) (Acts 1:8) 

I’m still in the process of accepting those facts and putting them to action. I experienced a lot of growth at training camp; just not the kind I expected. It was the kind of growth that breaks you in order for you to learn from it. I’m now preparing for the next year with a different mindset and perspective.  

All that to say, even though training camp was rough at times, there were also so many super fun moments. I captured a few in this short lil video!