Not gonna lie, this is gonna be a hard blog to write. I have realized in my life is that I don’t really get deep with myself or others. And on that note I don’t get deep with the lord. I’m so good at shallow conversations and chit chatting and that’s great and that really gives me the ability to connect with a lot of people and consider myself friends with a bunch of people and love everyone of my friends. But what I’m saying is that I am learning how to go deep with relationships, and it’s hard!!
My journal entry two days ago is all about fear. I listed everything on my mind right then and there that terrified me.
“I’m scared to go deep. I’m scared to get deep. I’m scared to get deep with God because what will I find out? I’m scared to fully commit. I’m scared to tell people back home I’m not ‘doing great!!!’ I’m scared to tell my teammates. I’m scared that I don’t hear or feel anything when I’m praying. I’m scared what people will say when I say how scared I am. I’m scared what they will think when the missionary they sent and supported has such little faith? I’m scared because what if I made a mistake coming. I’m scared because I don’t have an end saying well my fear turns into blah blah blah glory!! I’m scared to be away from home this long. I’m scared to miss out. I’m scared I won’t go to college. I’m scared that if I go to college that I’ll pick the right one. I’m scared of what I’m doing is right because I don’t hear god. I’m scared to let go. I’m scared to close my options. I’m scared because is it really worth it..”
I lived that whole day thinking deeply about what I was doing. It filled me with doubt. What if what I was feeling was true. What if what if what if.
Then.
Last night, thank you Lord for best friends. Our schedules finally aligned so I could speak to one of my best friends from home, Allison. We have been friends since kindergarten but got super close sophomore year ish. Being close to someone scares me but this girl has been through a lot with me, if you’re reading this al, you rock!!! Haha. But I have been praying for her to find the Lord since I left for the race and she is finding him! It’s so great to see her loving Him. I’m so excited and after talking with her for a good while her excitement got me excited.
I started to think, huh, I really am okay. I keep comparing my relationship to everyone else’s relationship with the lord. Why? I do know comparison is the thief of all joy but I still continue to do it day by day by day.
Anyway, there has been so many little things I have looked over in spite of my complaints. Like guys, I am in a bunk bed in Ukraine right now. HOW COOL! I’m building relationships with college aged kids, helping them better know English, AND introducing them to God. WHAT so cool. Also the place we are staying for a month is an awesome apartment with a kitchen so we get to cook and I love to cook!! So it’s cool the Lord knew that and gave it to me. I’m with 7 other awesome women that I didn’t know two months ago but now don’t know what I’d do without seeing them everyday. Even down to the weather, we couldn’t bring that warm is clothes because it would not have fit in our packs and GUYS it’s been like high 60’s here. That’s an actual praise report because if it would have snowed, my toes would have been gone by now haha. Chacos aren’t the best snow shoe hahah. The midnight laughs of telling dumb stories to each other or even to getting deep with our testimonies and seeing how these “random” girls that I was placed with all have a similar part of our story. Like we are together for a reason and it’s so so cool finding that out.
I could go on and on but all that it goes down to is,
God is good y’all.
Being able to step back and really say dang there are so many better things than the tiny, smoshable fears I have.
Thanks for the support. I am feeling super thankful this morning. Waking up early and seeking the Lord in Ukraine. Wow. Thank you, thank you.
