Well these last couple weeks have been tough! It has not been sunshine and rainbows, to say the least. So January 14 at 11:44am I lost my grandpa. For the last 10 years I haven’t really played an active role in my grandpas live and vice versa. When I was little I would spend countless hours with him and my grandma doing crafts watching wheel of fortune, football playing with the dogs laughing and just be the spoiled granddaughter. Then life took over and they moved to Florida and that was kind of the end. A few months ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer I knew I needed to call and talk to him I knew that was possibly the beginning of the end. I called we laughed (my grandpa was a big jokester that man could make me laugh harder than anyone I have ever met) caught up on things. It wasn’t a long conversation but a step in the right direction. He went in for surgery to have part of his lung removed and came out in worse shape then he went in, he didn’t remember basic things wasn’t eating well just wasn’t any better. Threw all of this I had been confiding in a member of “my circle” about the worries I had and the regrets I had of not being a better granddaughter. Fast forward to January my grandfather was hospitalized under went a couple more surgeries and later lost his battle. The day before he passed I got in an pretty big argument with my dad, I was having issues with a friendship that was really weighing on me. So I called my circle member again to ask her to come and just hang out with me. I really didn’t want to talk about everything that was going on I just wanted company. (Asking for help has never been a strong suite of mine) She was busy and couldn’t come, I was a little angry it took a lot for me to ask for help and out of all my friends I thought she would have realized how hard that was for me. So January 14th I got a call from my dad (that I ignored because we had gotten in a pretty serious argument the day before and I just didn’t want to talk to him) followed shortly later by a call from my cousins letting me know that my grandpa was on life support and they were going to take him off shortly. Anger nothing but anger and pain ran through me. Anger at my uncle and grandma for not letting him fight, anger at myself for not being there and not having a better relationship with him. I cried a lot praying for some type of miracle, anything that would bring my grandpa back to me so I could be better, so I could have a relationship with him again. Those prayers went unanswered and I got a call that he passed 20 min after taking him off life support.
I didn’t tell anyone for at least an hour with the exception of my mom because I was suppose to be meeting them at 1 to celebrate my step dads birthday. I waited and then posted on social media that he had passed. I turned my phone off and went to lunch with my mom and step dad and tried my best to put on a happy face for a man who deserves the world and the least I could do was show up and be happy and celebrate his amazing life. When I finally turned my phone on I had a couple text from some friends. One of which I have known since I was 3 years old, she said the normal asked if I was ok and if I needed anything she was there and I told her about the regret I was carrying around with me at that moment, she never replied. Much later that night one of the other girls from my circle txt and said she was sorry for my loss. The next day I didn’t go to work, I thought if I stayed home and my life stopped maybe it wouldn’t be real. No one checked on me that day not one person that said they would be there bothered to ask how I was doing. I met my mom that night for a bible study, my friend that I had confided in about the problems with my grandpa and family was supposed to meet my mom and I for this study I text her to see where she was and she said she wasn’t going to make it she had to be with another friend. I was immediately upset… she blew me off in my time of need to be with someone else again! The week went on I felt alone, I felt sad I tried to be happy I tried to get my life going again all while trying so hard to deal with the regret of being a bad granddaughter and the anger toward my friends who left me to deal with all of this on my own.
Sunday came and I went to church like normal, it had officially been a week since he passed away and by the end of the day I had to be done mourning and move on. I sat and listened to the message and there came a point where he said something that kick me right in the gut and reminded me of one of the reasons I am going on the world race. He said sometimes God makes people unavailable so your only option is to run to him. I sat there and thought about it, this is not a new concept to me but it opened my eyes all over again. I get attached to people and I rely on my friends for a lot more than I rely on God. When October comes and I am so far away from all of my comforts and I am lonely or scared or even happy and greatful I won’t have my circle to run to I won’t have my comforts, my safety nets there to get me through it. It’s just me and God! I need to be ready to fully rely on God and nothing else to get me through those times. He is my rock, he is my comforter, he is my all. My friends can never do the things that he can and they can never make me feel the way he can make me feel if I would just stop relying on humans and run to my creator I could save myself a lot of stress and a lot of anger.
Deuteronomy 32:4 says ” The Rock! His work is perfect, For all His ways are just; A God of faithfulness and without injustice, Righteous and upright is he. Jesus is my rock, he is the shoulder we should be crying on he bottles every tear we cry and if we would just bring that pain and hurt to him he can heal it all.
Jesus is my rock, my foundation my circle!
