So I officially feel like the WORST person EVER!!!!! I may be exaggerating a tad but I feel really bad. So I am moving back to my parents house this weekend, my lease is up and no use in signing a new one when I am leaving in 4 MONTHS!!!!!
So I took off work tomorrow so I can clean and get the last bit of stuff packed up, and when I was leaving work today my boss asked if I had any fun plans for the weekend. I said no just packing and moving, he asked where I was moving to and I told him out to Dayton. His face turned as white as a sheet, and he had this terrified look on his face and he goes ” O gosh you’re going to leave us.” I probably turned as white as he did and kind of looked at him confused and worried as well, I freaked out internally thinking ooo my gosh someone told them, I wasn’t ready for them to know, what happens if I don’t raise enough money and I can’t go and then they have already replaced me and I am out of a job and I am not going on the WR then what? What’s my next move?!(clearly I haven’t told them yet) Then he follows it up with “You aren’t going to want to make that drive everyday.” (for those of you that don’t live in the great state of Texas, Dayton is a small country town about an hour from Houston.) I explained to him that I wasn’t going to leave and I am use to having to drive a long ways to work I always have up until 2 years ago when I moved to the apartment I live in now. He still looked super concerned and terrified. So I told him I just needed to move home for a bit so I felt safe again (there have been 6 building burn down, a murder, and i was almost kidnapped) and living there was only temporary. I mean come on there is nothing out there!!! At that exact moment I felt like I was a lier and a terrible person for not telling him right then and there that in 4 months I was getting on a plane to travel the world and tell people about Jesus!
After having a freak out and talking to my 2 co workers, and 2 best friends, and a cousin about what had just happened and how bad I felt about lying to my boss I heard a small voice say “ye of little faith” and I sat there for a min thinking about it and I realized, me not telling my job about this amazing journey I am about to take because I was scared I wasn’t going to be able to raise the funds was me doubting God. I know this is what I am called to do right now, I know without a doubt this is where God is sending me. So why couldn’t I tell my boss, why was I doubting God’s ability? To be completely honest up until that specific moment I didn’t look at it as I was doubting God or not having faith. I looked at is as I was being smart, and I was planning ahead I was preparing myself…. for failure!!! With getting accepted and realising the amount I was going to have to fundraise I decided I was going to speak about my fears in a positive way. I was only going to put positive vibes out there. Well that started proving to be harder than I thought when people started putting the seed of doubt in my head asking “Well what happens if you don’t raise enough money?” My response for a while was always doesn’t matter because I am going to raise the money because God’s got me. Little by little person by person I started to wonder that myself and I started doubting I could raise the money. It sent me into a whole world of panic and anxiety. When you go on the WR your putting your life in the states on hold, for those of us that aren’t in school or have been out of school for awhile you are literally waving good-bye to YOUR WHOLE LIFE!!!! Of course that is scary, and on top of that the $18200 is scarier, then you add in all the money you need to leave behind so your car gets paid for, your insurance, spotify and netflix get paid. (Ummm just because I am going to be out of the US I am not trying to miss my shows or latest music, I am just saying. I’m leaving the bed and tons of outfits and shoes and my pup Sam, at least let me keep the spotify and netflix lol 
) It can all become very overwhelming, very fast! It can also hold you back! There was a lot I was waiting to do until that first deadline came and passed, I haven’t booked my ticket to training camp, I haven’t bought any gear yet either because I was waiting to see what happens if I didn’t make that fundraising goal! I was showing NO FAITH in that aspect of this adventure! I was praying for fundraising, I was praying for my squad, I was praying for the countries… I was praying and asking but not having faith that my prayers would be answered.
In mark there is a verse we all know “Have faith in God. Truly I say to you, whoever says to the mountain move and be cast into the sea; and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted.” Mark 11:23. It goes on to talk more about praying and asking in faith believing that your prayers will be answered. I don’t have a prayer problem, I have a heart problem! My prayers were being said but my heart was not believing in them. Of course I WANT them to be answered but those little seeds of doubt started to grow and grow and eventually took over and smothered the sonlight of faith.
So being completely lead by God and I truly feel like he made me feel so convicted about this “omission of truth” that it is time to weed the garden and get those weeds of doubt out and let the sonlight (yes I meant to spell it that way) back in and have faith that MY God can move a mountains and by my telling them and booking this ticket, and starting to buy my gear is me saying “God you are going to great and mighty things. Let the doubt get out of the way and you take control. Because you are able and willing if I just let you work.”
