Hey everyone yes Im still alive!! In about a month and a half I will be back in the United States. This is both really exciting and really scary. So let’s talk a little bit about re entry!( sounds like I’m coming back from outer space and to be honest it feels like it!)
Going home is scary because, I’ve adapted to life overseas. I’ve adapted to not knowing what people around me are saying, I’ve adapted to not knowing what I’m buying at the grocery store and just kind of hoping for the best. I’m use to life in community, I literally do almost everything with the same 23 ppl. We live in a house together, we eat together, we serve together, 6 of us sleep in a room together. (I’ve shared a room with someone for every month but 1 on the race). Life in America seems really overwhelming if I am being completely honest. I’ve been telling myself it won’t be that bad, your going to adapt back really fast and it’s going to be fine. Until 1 day we were sitting in a coffee shop in Georgia(the country not the state) owned by Americans and everyone around me was speaking English. I panicked I got overwhelmed and had to step out until some ppl left. You see I’m use to only hearing English when I’m with our squad. Having everyone around me speak English was so hard. I’m not even use to hearing church in English anymore, or even know what American church is like. In Armenia we went to and international church and for the first time in 8 months i was able to sit and listen to a service I was just a member I wasn’t anyone special I didn’t have to preform or speak I could just sit and listen. It left me in tears because I didn’t remember what that was like. It’s so insane how being away for only 11 months and my brain and everything has rewired itself so that things that were normal are no longer even things I think about anymore.
I have the privilege of flying back to Houston with my squad mate Megan. We were planning to meet up a week or so after we get home and we were talking about meeting for wings and going to Buffalo Wild Wings and I couldn’t remember what the closest one to me was. She was asking me what way I go when I go to spring and I had no idea I could barely remember the Houston freeways.
The thought of having more than 4 shirts to choose from is mind blowing to me. Knowing I have outfit on outfit at home is overwhelming. Like how am I going to choose what to wear everyday!! It’s not longer based on what looks good with my chacos!
Let’s not even get started on driving!! Sitting behind the wheel of a car….. y’all know I’m a terrible driver to begin with and now I haven’t driven for 11 months!!! It’s gonna be terrifying!
Grocery shopping… lol ya the grocery stores overseas are like 4 isles really tiny. Walmart, target, Kroger, HEB ya that’s gonna be hard! Having so many choices is overwhelming. Even just being able to actually read the labels and knowing what I’m buying is like crazy to me right now! As American we really are blessed to have as many choices in random things as we do.
I have been on this incredible journey of learning about God, learning how I can better serve his kingdom, learning about myself, learning to love ppl and so many more things that I haven’t even realized yet. Going back to the states seems weird to me, going back to some resemblance of the life I had before this is scary and weird. When I left I wasn’t in a good place spiritually or mentally. I faced depression and anxiety often I didn’t know how to tell ppl what I needed because I was fearful of being told I was being dramatic or my feelings weren’t real so I bottled up so many feelings and frustration. I thought I was growing spiritually I thought I was learning new things and I can say I was growing but at a really slow pace, I wasn’t seeking, I didn’t want to ask the hard questions or any questions really I wanted to act like I already knew the answers. I was doing what it took to get by. I was living but I wasn’t alive, I had a life but I wasn’t thriving. I hid most of this pretty well I’m fairly positive most ppl around me had no idea of these feelings.
Coming on the race and being with at least 5 other ppl almost constantly you can’t hide feelings for long and to be honest I don’t want to anymore. I want to be someone that can confront conflict and deal with it in a Christ like manor, I want to be someone who can be a safe place for people, I want to walk confidently in my giftings, walk the path that the Lord has called me to walk, I want to ask the questions even when the answers are going to hurt, I want to seek out the people that have more knowledge than me and sit and learn from them, I want to sit with people even when they are in pain, I want to celebrate the good times, I just want to do things so very different than I did before, I don’t want to be the same person I was before!
These seem like such little things but to be honest it’s the little things that are going to be the hardest. Until you have done things like this it’s really hard to relate. I was like you at one point sitting and reading the blogs of racers that were about to come home and I remember thinking “ok ur just over exaggerating, ur making a big deal out of nothing. I mean u lived in the US your whole life its home.” But actually walking it out I get it now. It’s a weird thing, but it’s real man it’s so real. So with coming back please have grace if I need a minute, or I just randomly start crying things are going to be hard, exciting, and overwhelming for a little while. But don’t be afraid to reach out ASK ME QUESTIONS I’ve leaned it helps me process and figure out why i feel a certain way, and I really feel loved when ppl ask me questions.
