I get really sentimental this time of year. June is not only the official beginning of my favorite season, but it’s the mark of some LONG miles I’ve walked in my life, both good and bad. I’ve spent a lot of time these past couple of weeks reflecting on how drastically my life changed this time last year. There’s a story behind it, but you’d probably never know unless you were one of the few people who walked through that season of grief and healing with me.
The thing is, I’ve tried to cover up the messy seasons of my life so I can appear to have it all together. But when I refuse to let people into the hard seasons of my life, then I refuse to share God’s incredible grace and faithfulness through ALL seasons of my life. Here’s the truth: I’m not perfect, I don’t have it all together, and I don’t care to let you to think otherwise. That being said, here are some things about this past year that you’d probably never know:
You’d probably never know that I received the worst news of my life in November 2017 – that someone incredibly dear to me was battling cancer. I spent so many days shaking my fist at God, demanding to know why He’d let this happen.
You’d probably never know that I completely derailed after hearing this news. I knew immediately that God’s hand was in it, but I was angry at Him. I was incredibly hurt and confused, so I turned away and tried to deal with things on my own. I spent the first half of 2018 pursuing anything and everything that would distract me from feeling the pain deep in my heart. I intentionally wasted countless hours at the gym and purposefully spent time with people who I knew wouldn’t point me to Jesus. I avoided being raw before God and tried to cope on my own. Sure, I believed in Jesus. I still went to church on Sundays. But I ignored the voice in my spirit that was whispering, “come to me, you’re not meant to do this on your own.”
You’d probably never know that I walked through a season of depression, unable to sleep or eat…for months.
It sucked.
This blog would also suck if it ended here.
But it doesn’t…
You’d probably never know about the conversation I had with a friend on June 12th, 2018 that changed my life. He asked the question, “you know those people who call themselves Christians but their lives don’t bear fruit that looks like Christ?” In that moment, I realized I needed to ask myself what fruit my life was bearing.
You’d probably never know that this was the turning point. The next morning I journaled through this question and realized that I was stuck in a lifestyle that completely drained me. As a result, my life was bearing shriveled up, withered fruit – fruit that didn’t look much like Christ at all. That morning I finally turned to face Jesus, completely raw and broken, feeling filthy and ashamed that I’d turned away to handle everything on my own. I cried and prayed and asked God to move in a way that He hadn’t in a long time. And that morning was the turning point to redemption. I opened my daily devotional for the first time in a long time. The theme for June 13th was “abide in me, and I in you,” and the first scripture passage pointed to John 15:
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Abide in me and I in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself. It must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” -John 15:1-5
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
You’d probably never know that this sweet encounter with the Lord was the beginning of a long process of healing with Him. My heart was changed in an instant, but healing and processing take time. I learned so much through turning to process with the Lord. He showed me that although I couldn’t see Him through the majority of those rough months, He never left my side. He taught me about His grace when He completely freed me from all the shame that I felt for turning away and trying to cope on my own. He taught me that He truly is faithful, even when we aren’t. He reminded me that He never wants us to suffer – spiritually, physically, mentally, etc. His heart breaks for our suffering, but He cares for us more than we know and He promises to make all things right. He taught me what it actually means to abide in Him. It was never about the fruit or how to produce more of the good kind. It was always about relationship with Him.
You’d probably never know that I found out 4 months ago that my dear friend who was battling cancer won the fight and is now healthy, cancer-free, and closer with the Lord than ever before.
You’d probably never know any of this by looking at me back then because I wouldn’t have let you see that I was hurting.
You’d probably never know any of this by looking at me now because I’m a different person. My relationship with Jesus is drastically deeper, and as a result, the fruit my life bears is infinitely sweeter.
Friends, let’s stop believing the lie that we have to “have it all together” to turn to Jesus. Let’s stop thinking we’re unworthy of His love and start believing that we are worthy because He says we are. Let’s stop trying to do everything on our own and actually acknowledge that it’s okay to need help. Let’s stop saying our problems are too big or too small for Jesus to move. Let’s stop believing life is more about the fruit He grows through us than the relationship He wants with us.
Jesus, thank you for loving us more than we can possibly fathom. Thank you for redeeming all of our seasons. Thank you for you actually never leaving our side, even if we can’t see you standing there. Thanks for always reaching out your hand to pull us up when we fall in the dirt. Thank you for wiping away all of our tears and washing away all of our mistakes. Thank you for saying we are worth it all.
